Sunday, September 17, 2000
"Dry Bones"
Rev. Annie Holmes

Ezekiel was very depressed. He had decided, it really was no fun being a
prophet. Telling people things they really didn't want to hear was really
becoming a drag. His nation was in chaos. People were not treating each other
well. There was havoc and crime and greed and anger and death everywhere. It
seems, try as hard as he could, he couldn't stem the tide of hate and
violence that was becoming a way of life for his people. He needed a boost,
he needed a new angle, a new line. Without bidding he was transported, by a
spirit, to a desert where there were hundreds of dried bones laying around
this valley. He was asked by the spirit if Ezekiel thought these bones could
ever come back to life?  He really couldn't say, he replied. Well, the spirit
told him, these bones are like the people of Israel, lost, dried up, without
hope, and what could breath life back into a people who are nothing but a
pile of dried up bones, who are lost, and brittle and without vision or hope?
 Ezekiel is told he has the power to breath the breath of trust, the ruach
the wind, the living - loving word into those bones, and indeed they do come
to life. Yes, he is told, remembering bonds and covenants is the way to make
brittle relationships come alive again. It is the good word of the covenant,
the remembering of the bonds that gives new life to the dry bones of any
people.  Ezekiel was no longer depressed, he knew what he had to do.

You never know it will be the last time. Oh how could I or anyone have known,
that it would be the last time? And, I remember the last time I saw my Mother
before she died.  It was a clear, crisp Fall day, something like today. A
time that I certainly did not believe would be the last time I was to see
her, but indeed it was.  My Father was exhausted. He had cared for her during
the two years of her cancer almost by himself. Now, my Mother was in a
nursing home, I told my Father to go and run some errands, just to let him
get out for a bit. As he left, I knew it was the last days, but how could I
know it would be the last time.  The nurse came in to give her a bath, I
shyly asked if I could do that. Stunned the nurse said, "Well, I guess." 
Doped up on morphine, Mom wasn't sure if I was her favorite aunt who had died
a dozen years ago, or me. It shouldn't have mattered, but I remember being
hurt, I wanted some connection before she died.

What a strange and mixed up world it is, when the child cares for the Mother,
as if the Mother were the child.  I took her face in my hands and gently
pushed her hair out of her eyes, then, careful not to get any soap in her
eyes or mouth, I held her head in the crook of my arm and tenderly washed the
face of the woman who had given me birth.  Washing her as I did, with a
mixture of love and indifference, indifference as a form of protection, I
sensed this may be the end of our being with each other, at least in this
life.

In that moment, I remembered so many things she had said to me. "Always take
your vitamins, stand up straight  - yes, that is a beautiful picture you drew
- you can't be gay and be my daughter - I hate you, I love you - why can't
things be different in my life and in your life Annie?  Why?  Why?" 
Taking the cloth I tenderly rinsed the tired, worn, old face of this
beautiful, frightful, sad, pathetic, proud, artistic, creative woman who had
given me birth.  You don't know, always at the time, that you'll be healed
again, better than the first time, so - in an act of healing,  I breathed
this prayer into her dying face, "Mother, forgive the frightened, anxious
child in me, as I forgive the unnecessary critical judge in you."

The bones, the sinews that had held our relationship in loose configuration
all the years we were together, were often brittle and ready to break.  The
pain, the nastiness, the rudeness that often came into our relationship, was
finally and completely healed as I breathed the words, "I love you, I forgive
you." As I breathed these words, the barrier and the obstruction of hate and
pain slipped out of me and in its place was reconciliation and peace at last.

As I have reflected on that afternoon, and I have many times since her death,
what I have found is that, even through all the pain and sorrow and
difficulty my mother and I experienced in our time together, we had a tie, a
bond, a link, a covenant.  And no matter what we said or did, or we were or
were not to each other, nothing could change that bond, that link, that
covenant that was made at the moment of my birth. I had a choice, that
afternoon, as I held the warm, soapy rag to my Mother's dying face, I could
forgive and be forgiven and move on to use that forgiveness in all the phases
of my life, or I could walk out, leave there a bitter and self absorbed
victim of pains my mother had inflicted,  that were clearly not done in hate,
but done in confusion. Through that gift of forgiveness that filled me so
completely, I could once again remember we were and always would be mother
and daughter.  The bond between us was renewed.

That is what a covenant is, a promise, an agreement, one party gives one
thing and the other party agrees also to give. As lovers say, "I give to you
as you give to me, true love."  This covenant, this trust bond between people
doesn't end simply because there is a problem or a disagreement or a falling
out.  She will always be my mother and I her daughter, nothing can change
that.  That is the breath of life that reminded me on the last day I held her
in my arms, the last time I looked at her face or said a loving word to her,
that I would, through all my lifetime, be true to the relationship that we
were given as mother and daughter. And even in the face of rejection and pain
and the loss of faith that we had experienced with each other, I could say
and really mean it, as I kissed her check for the last time, "I love you Mom,
I love you."

Trust, is the basis of the idea of covenant.  Within the word trust there are
the ideas of an expectation, a confidence, a reliance, a dependence. Talk
shows like Rush Limbaugh, Jerry Springer and Sally Jesse Raphael are so
popular, because as a society, we have lost the trust of the covenants that
should bind us together as families, as neighborhoods, as friends. Our good
word to each other means so little today. Anger and greed prompt many people
to take what they can and betray, even those that are closest to them, for a
price.  We are challenged in this generation, by living in a world where a
person's word is meaningless. Trust has broken down. So, from families, to
neighborhoods, to city councils, to churches, to the national government, we
have learned the hard way, to simply not believe what anyone says.
 Fear and greed can take over, so easily, without a covenant, a bond, a tie,
a link, a connection. Some people would sell that trust so easily to have a
spot on a talk show, notoriety, or 10 minutes of fame, by shocking, by
naming, by selling each other out. In many ways, many people in our society
seem like ships on the sea without a course, a map or even a clue of where
they are going or how to get there.  Because so many people in our society
feel they have been abandoned, neglected, deserted, forsaken, it is really
quite easy to go on TV and expose even the deepest and most outrageous
accusations because the bonds to family and friends have been broken. These
people and their broken bonds lay like those dried up bones in Ezekiel's
vision on the desert floor of our society.  Marvin Kalb, former CBS reporter
turned college professor said, "If we still gathered at town meetings, if our
churches were still true community centers, we wouldn't need talk radio.
People feel increasingly disconnected and talk radio gives them a sense of
connection."

What are the manifestations of the trusts between people being broken, look
around, hate crimes are on the rise.  There seems to be less civility between
adults, between children and adults and children to children. It almost has
become acceptable to say anything one wants to anyone at any time. And as far
as the media goes, we will pay huge amounts to those who can be bought to
"tell all."  We never seem to be tired of being shocked.
We have a broken society because the bonds of love and fidelity and trust
have been broken from the first fragile relationships between parents and
children on to where profits are more important to companies than people's
years of service or their deserved pensions. 

In order for incivility and rudeness to be acceptable, at the level that we
are experiencing them today, you need a certain amount of stability.  In his
book, "The Triumph of Meanness," Nicolaus Mills reminds us civility is a
matter we talk about, when there is a certain stability in our lives. It is
what we talk about when we assume there is a rule of law, when there is a
social infrastructure of roads, hospitals, and schools, when there is
political accountability.

And within the stability that we are enjoying now in this country, incivility
and rudeness are everywhere; there is road rage. Howard Stern and the shows I
mentioned before are spouting language skillfully calculated to offend.
Negative campaigning is a part of every election. There is no evening news
without a murder. We can't imagine an urban or a suburban school without
wondering which students may be packing guns or knives. We can't think of our
legal system without thinking of litigation and the death penalty and its
disproportionate impact on those who can't afford good lawyer.

The truly tough question is what lies behind this incivility. We are reminded
that what we perceive as a lack of civility in our society is not an accident
or a collective failure to pay more attention to what Emily Post or Miss
Manners has to say about etiquette.  No, the connecting bones, the very
fabric of the relationships that are most fundamental to a person; family,
job, neighbors, church and society, are dried up, lost, severed, in need of a
good word, the powerful word, the authoritative word, the promising word, the
word that will breath into our relationships, the breath of new life.
Some reasons for the growing discourtesy and rudeness in our society may have
something to do with this being the first time in 60 years that we are living
without an external threat.  The Berlin Wall has fallen and the Cold War is
over. Because there is no external foe, can we afford now to war with
ourselves?   We are living in a period when the civil rights movement of the
past has lost its authority. In the 60's we had Martin Luther King, today we
have Louis Farrakhan who leads a March of Washington.  There has been a
significant loss of membership in everything from bowling clubs, to church
membership to unions. People are isolating more than in any other time of our
history.  There is a massive unprecedented legal and illegal immigration who
dominate urban life on the East and West coasts of the US. There are new
burdens and new values that burden a public school system that can barely
cope.  There is an end of the notion of equality. A CEO now makes on average
at least 150 times the salary of an average worker. In our urban dwellings we
have a two class system, the very rich and the very poor, forming, with a
dwindling middle class.  Through the Internet, private schools, gated
communities a person can avoid having to deal with most public services these
days.   We no longer believe as a people that government is a force for good.
We no longer truly believe that government can improve our lives. Not even a
half of this country even gets outs and votes.   There is a change in
journalistic standards, the rise of tabloid papers and the Internet have made
delving into the private lives of public figures mainstream. Beginning with
the  pursuit of Gary Hart in 1987 the rules of politics have changed.  The
Internet is a style of communication that sets messages above conversation. 
We live in a time of virtual war. As in Kosovo, we have learned rescue on an
international scale is something we are less and less inclined to do,  and
finally there is a rise in fundamentalism and factionalism, whether in
religion or politics, we are reminded that a growing number of people would
rather tell us what to believe or how to do something than take the time to
find a way to work together.

Many people reason, in our society, if inequality is to rule the day - why
worry about social security or welfare. Just grab what you can.  If there is
not to be a universal aspect to the civil rights movement, why not segregate
oneself, why not get as far as one can from a racially troubled area.  If
immigration is not about nation building, why not treat new comers as an
urban and rural peasantry to be exploited. If government is no longer a force
for good, why not pay as few taxes as possible and cut social services to the
bone. If privacy is a thing of the past, why not be entertained by
revelations about public figures, and even loved ones. If there are groups in
our society who menace us as much as any foreign enemy, why not use the death
penalty as frequently as the law allows.  The main question is, how to we
avoid the perils of self-isolation and indifference?

I remember, I remember there are ways to heal the brittle broken, dried up
bones of our relationships with each other. For example,  I remember the
simple thing, like people forgiving me for things I have done in my life,
therefore I learned the power and strength there is in forgiveness.  There is
great power in the small things. Within the global scheme of these problems,
as we feel totally overwhelmed, here is what I think we could do.  There is
power in what we say. What dry, brittle bare bones relationships can you
think of right now in your lives, could be healed by the right word?  How do
we use our words or our silence in regards to our power and authority?  Do we
even realize that our words have great authority?  We are talking constantly
all day long. How often do we stop and take stock in the innuendoes, the
subtleties, the influences that our words command. 

If it is true, as Deborah Tannen says, and we live in an argument culture, we
need to, by our words of love, encouragement, hope and support, uplift and
define anew the broken severed relationships around us.  Speak the good word.
 How many times have you found yourself saying; that won't work, there is no
point to going on, I can't or won't do that, I hate her or him or them, this
or that, this is hopeless, I give up on him or her or them, I'm outta here, I
simply will take this job anymore, I'm not doing this anymore. What we say
matters, what we say has power to destroy or heal.  Adam Michnik one of the
architects of Poland's solidarity movement wrote, "Start doing things you
think should be done, and start being what you think society should become.
Do you believe in free speech? Then speak freely. Do you love the truth? Then
tell it. Do you believe in the open society? Then act in the open. Do you
believe in a decent and humane society? Then behave decently and humanely." 
What more can I say?  We have to risk trusting each other and building
ourselves into each others' lives in new ways.  How do we make way for a
miracle? Our daily adventure is to realize there is a miracle of healing,
wholeness coming.  Our dilemma requires that we live now the very qualities
we wish our society to live.  Our spirits long to be made whole…come spirit
come…mend our dry bones.