Meaningful Connections…10 People at a Time

Rev. Mark Stringer

First Unitarian Church of Des Moines

3/10/02

 

Reading (an excerpt from What Are People For? by Wendell Berry)

 

I was walking one Sunday afternoon several years ago with an older friend.  We went by the ruining log house that had belonged to his grandparents and great-grandparents.  The house stirred my friend’s memory, and he told me how the oldtime people used to visit each other in the evenings, especially in the long evenings of winter.  There used to be a sort of institution in our part of the country known as “sitting till bedtime.”  After supper, when they weren’t too tired, neighbors would walk across the field to visit each other.  They popped corn, my friend said, and ate apples and talked.  They told each other stories.  They told each other stories, as I knew myself, that they all had heard before.  Sometimes they told stories about each other, about themselves, living again in their own memories and thus keeping their memories alive.  When bedtime came, the visitors lit their lanterns and went home.  My friend talked about this, and thought about it, and then he said, “They had everything but money.”

 

They were poor, as country people have often been, but they had each other, they had their local economy in which they helped each other, they had each other’s comfort when they needed it, and they had their stories, their history together in that place.

 

Sermon

 

A few years ago, I became aware of an idea for church programming that caught my attention in a way that surpassed any other idea I had yet come across.  As is the case when most good ideas surface, once I heard about it, it seemed I could not go anywhere in the association without hearing more about it.  The idea has different names, such as covenant groups, branches groups, and small group ministry, and I got used to searching them out.  The more workshops I attended, the more information I got off the internet, the more people I met who had an investment in the idea, the more certain I became that I wanted to share the concept with others.

 

Soon after I began my ministry with you last August, I put together a plan to develop and implement a small group ministry program here.  I led the board in a sample small group ministry session and they endorsed the formation of an implementation team who would gather with me to determine the approach that might best suit our church.  The nine members of that team met with me every other Tuesday night for seven planning sessions.  I simply modeled the idea, asked for input, and watched the magic.  Each time we met, I felt the connections between us grow.  I would come to the meetings exhausted and leave energized.  I saw the nine members of that team begin to engage with each other outside of the meetings too.  I saw them waving at each other across the church, sitting together at services.  I saw them get as excited about small group ministry as I am. It did feel like magic.

 

Once we had completed our seventh, and last, session together, I felt a sense of loss that was only soothed by the hope that the idea would soon be experienced by many others in our community.  I began to meet with the people who were training to be the first group of facilitators for the program.  Again we followed the same basic small group ministry format, and again I felt the magic of the idea…and the wonderful possibilities it promised for our church.

 

If you have been reading your newsletter over the past few months you have seen several columns describing the small group ministry experience.  This morning I will try to go into a little more depth about what the program is and what I think it will do.  Then there will be an opportunity for you to ask questions.

 

Small group ministry is a church sponsored program that features small relational groups made up of five to ten people who meet twice a month to establish and nurture themselves in this community. Groups will meet in members’ homes, or at church, or both, depending on the needs and desires of group members. All small group ministry meetings follow the same basic structure.  First of all, they begin on time.  Participants seat themselves in a circle, always leaving one open chair as a symbolic gesture indicating that the group is open to newcomers.  A facilitator, who is also a group  member, then initiates a brief time of silence so that people can settle into the space.  A chalice or candle is lit, accompanied by a short reading or piece of music.  One by one, the participants then have an opportunity to check-in, to share from their lives without interruption.  What people share varies from session to session. Content ranges from things happening at work, or in their family, to an idea or question they have been pondering, or a discovery that they have made.  Each participant has around five minutes to speak.

 

When a group is just getting started, the check-in time is usually over rather quickly.  This is not surprising when we consider how rare it is to have the opportunity to share ourselves without interruption.  After a few meetings, though, as the connections begin to grow, the sharing gets easier and more rewarding.  Having a structured opportunity to articulate what is happening in your life is a privilege and a highlight of the session. But this check-in time is unique and important for the listeners as well as the speaker.  Not having the obligation to immediately respond to someone’s check-in affords the other group members the opportunity to listen more intently, to engage in what is known as “deep listening.” Participants become more familiar with each other’s lives…they get to hear storylines unfold over time.  Sometimes the stories that are shared may be familiar and sometimes they may reveal deeper truths we may have forgotten, or perhaps not yet discovered. There are no expectations for what will be shared, in fact, to pass is always an option.  Once everyone has had the chance to check-in, there is usually time for 15-20 minutes of follow-up conversation.  During this time, questions may be asked, encouragement or support is sometimes given, joy and sorrow are often shared.  This is not a time when unsolicited advice is offered, or when group members are encouraged to point out the folly or mistakes of others.  However, the follow-up conversation does oftentimes spur interesting ideas and perspectives that may prove helpful to the participants.

 

At the conclusion of the follow-up conversation time, about one hour into the meeting, the facilitator offers a topic for discussion, usually in the form of a question. The primary feature of a discussion topic is that it should promote reflective conversation. Examples might be “What have you learned from your mistakes or your failures?”  “What is courage and when have you been courageous?”  “What does it mean to worship?”  “How does one co-exist with difficult people?” “How can we simplify our lives?”  “How do you cultivate a thankful heart?”  Sometimes the discussion topics may be seasonal, such as “How are you feeling as we move into the Christmas season?” or “What is your favorite memory of summer?”  Sometimes instead of a question, there may be an activity that promotes discussion.  For example, “Draw a time-line that reflects your religious journey” or “Create a list of things you’d like to experience before you die.”  I am putting together a workbook of possible sessions from which each facilitator may draw, but as the program gets rolling, I expect that discussion topics will arise out of the groups’ discussions themselves.

 

When the group has met for nearly two hours, the facilitator will initiate a check-out, an opportunity for people to share what they liked about the meeting and what they wish it could have been.  This will be followed by closing words or music and the extinguishing of the chalice or candle. 

 

Each group is led by a trained facilitator who will, in addition to the two monthly sessions with their group, meet with me and the other facilitators once a month for our own small group.  This monthly meeting will enable us to share feedback and new ideas, troubleshoot problems, and celebrate successes and will give each group a tie-in back to the church.

 

The facilitator’s primary function beyond meeting with other facilitators once a month is to see that the meetings begin and end on time and that the group develops and follows a covenant of behavior.  For the program to be successful, however, all group members must share the privilege and responsibility for helping the group to function.  Early on, one group member will be designated as an apprentice facilitator in anticipation of meetings the facilitator might miss and in preparation for program growth.

 

As symbolized by the empty chair at every meeting, small group ministry is designed to be open and welcoming to newcomers.  Once a group has surpassed the prescribed limit of ten members, it will therefore split in half, with the apprentice facilitator leading the newly formed group.  This commitment that groups will not exceed ten members is intended to ensure the intimacy of the groups and the likelihood that continued growth might occur.

 

Every six months (in October and April) there will be an opportunity for participants to regroup in order to accommodate changes in their schedules or so that they may connect with other church members. During each six-month period, each group covenants to perform one service project of its choice for the church or larger community.  The service component allows participants another chance to bond while serving the needs of others, thereby ensuring that the individual groups do not become too inwardly focused.

 

In the minister’s column of the March newsletter, I laid out several reasons why I think this program will be good for our church.  The first and perhaps most important is that SGM is designed to meet the needs that people bring to church.  Early in my seminary career I came across a quote from minister and church consultant Kennon Callahan that very effectively describes what people are looking for when they join a religious community, and what churches often give them in return.  He writes:

 

“People come to church longing for, yearning for, hoping for…[a] sense of roots, place, belonging, sharing, and caring.  People come to a church in our time with a search for community not committee.

 

We make the mistake of assuming that, by putting people on a committee, they will develop ownership for the objectives of the church.  People are not looking for ownership of objectives or for functional, organizational, institutional goals.

 

Their search is far more profound and desperate than that.  They are looking for home, for relationships.  They are looking for the profound depths of community.  They are not looking for transitory, temporary, annual goals, hurriedly sketched on newsprint or butcher paper at a planning retreat.

 

Amid the alienation and loneliness of this time, they bring to our churches a desperate search for community.  They almost put up with the silliness of our brochures, the institutionalized new-member orientations, the self-serving nature of our membership hustling.  Their search is that desperate…

 

Eventually—and inevitably in some churches—the visitor discovers that the perspective is so institutional, the mentality and values are so organizational, and the behavior pattern are so functional that the people of that church are simply too preoccupied with their own business to welcome them, to share some personal warmth with them.

 

Jesus said, “I must be about my Father’s business.”  He did not say “busyness.”  But within some churches the people are so intent on their own busy activities and programs…that they cannot see or hear the desperation and profundity of another person’s search for community.”[1]

 

The implementation of SGM at our church is intended to meet this need for community…particularly the kind of community conveyed in the Wendell Berry reading.  I first discovered that passage just before a meeting of the implementation team a few months ago.  We had already met several times and had built some of the meaningful connections this program promises.  As I read Berry’s description of the folks “sitting till bedtime” my heart was stirred by the possibilities.  These people got together because it was fun to do so, because it added meaning to their lives, because it was a way to honor the miracle that, for whatever reason, they were all in a particular place at a particular time.  Just like we are.

 

Last week, enrollment in the program began and already 20 people have signed up (not including the facilitators).  I was in Alabama this week for a conference, and did not know how many people had signed up until I returned.  To say that I was pleased would be an understatement.  I have felt all along that if we had as few as 30 people enrolled in this program, it would lead to the kinds of meaningful connections that would profoundly impact the lives of those involved, and in turn, the church.  I hope you will consider joining those who have already enrolled. After the service, visit the SGM table in Channing Hall to sign up.  There are seven different meeting times from which to choose.  Possibilities include Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday evenings, Monday afternoons, and Saturday and Sunday mornings.  Couples may enroll in the same group if they wish, but they should do so acknowledging that a small group ministry meeting is not a good place to work out their relationship dynamics.

 

Woody Allen once claimed that 80 percent of life is just showing up.  In Small Group Ministry, I think at least 95 percent is just showing up.  That’s one of the beauties of it.  For those of you feeling like you couldn’t possibly take on another commitment, know that I understand your pain.  I don’t want to try to convince you that you are not busy, or that your life is not full enough.  I will tell you, though, that from experience, and I am confident that members of the implementation team and the facilitators would agree, commitment to SGM is unlike almost any other commitment you may currently have.  Think of it like a gift to yourself.  It’s like a massage…a massage of your spirit.  I know for me, the meetings have offered a treasured two-hour opportunity to breathe, to remember that living is as much be-ing as it is do-ing.  The meetings give me time to listen to some of my companions on this earth and to be heard as well, time to be reminded that despite all the forces at work to keep us separated, there is a significant reward from getting together…not just to socialize, or to learn, or to complete the tasky chores so often a part of our commitments…but to simply be ourselves in the company of others.  The meetings are fun, and challenging, and intriguing, and energizing.

 

But most of all, they meet the needs that so many of us bring to this community.