What Is Your Gender?

Rev. Mark Stringer and Teva Dawson

First Unitarian Church of Des Moines

4/28/02

 

Chalice Lighting

 “Religion as a set of right beliefs and right observances becomes divisive and absurd.  Religion is walking with others, listening to others, sharing with others.  It is not a creed, but a way of life.  To be religious is to be grateful for the much we are given and to give in return as much as we can.” (Jacob Trapp) We kindle now the flame of our liberal religious heritage in gratitude for the opportunity we have each day to walk with others in the shared journeys of our lives.

 

Meditation for 4/28/02

This morning we are together

We are together with those we have known for years

We are together with those we have just met

We are together with people we have yet to meet

This morning we are together with our partners, and our parents, and our children and our friends

Whether they are in this room or not.

We are together with the memories of those we have lost along the way.

We are together with the people whose lives have not yet intersected with our own.

We are together, in this space, at this time, to be reminded once again,

That despite the gulfs that separate us,

Despite the disappointments and the despair,

Despite everything…

We are together.

 

We call out, this day, to the creative spirit binding each to all, wherever and however we might discover it. 

Whether it be found in the spectacular blossoms of a Spring morning or the sparkling eyes of a trusting child.

Whether it be found in the image of the God of our youth, or in our common breath.

Whether it be found in a loved one’s embrace or in a void that remains unfilled. 

We call out from wherever we may find ourselves this day, saying:

“Forgive us that often we forgive ourselves so easily and others so hardly;

Forgive us that we expect perfection from those to whom we show none;

Forgive us for repelling people by the way we set a good example;

Forgive us the folly of trying to improve a friend;

Forbid that we should use our little idea of goodness as a spear to wound those who are different;

Forbid that we should feel superior to others when we are only more shielded;

And may we encourage the secret struggle of every person.” (Vivian Pomeroy)

Amen.

 

Introducing the Theme

 

When Teva first approached me about collaborating on a service that would focus on issues of gender…particularly the struggles of those who find that they do not easily fit into either the male or female categories, I was unsure how much I would be able to contribute to the discussion.  As a straight, white, male who has not knowingly experienced “gender dysphoria”—the circumstance in which a person’s gender identity does not match her gender assignment—I figured that my perspective was inherently too limited to be of any real use.

 

After doing some research into gender issues and concepts, however, I have found that to actively engage the topic, one needs only to ask some very simple questions…questions that lie at the core of the gender phenomena…questions which are foundational for the way we view our fellow humans and ourselves.

These questions are:

What is a man?

What is a woman?

Why do we have to be one or the other?

Author Kate Bornstein has labeled these as the “Gender Outlaw Questions”  because to sincerely ask these questions, to poke around in the cultural habit of categorization known as gender, is mostly taboo in our society and “any information concerning the possibility of gender as anything but natural and essential has been essentially forbidden from public discourse.”[1] Just to ask these questions then, is to be an outlaw:

What is a man?

What is a woman?

Why do we have to be one or the other?

Bornstein invites each of us to ask at least one of these questions each day for a month.  The more we ask and answer these questions ourselves, the less likely it will be that others will answer them for us.  The only trick, she says, is that the answers should be phrased in questions as well. She believes that “It doesn’t matter what track those further questions take, just as long as more questions come out of it, until the question itself is enough….”[2]

 

One day the sequence of questions might be:

What is a man?

What’s a woman, for that matter?

What’s a boy?

Was I ever a boy?

What was it like to be treated like a boy?

Did I like it?

What did I like about it?

How do I like to be treated today?

Does that make me a boy, still?

 

Then another day, it might be

What is a woman?

Why am I even bothering to ask that?

Doesn’t everyone know what a woman is?

Who is everyone anyway?

What business of theirs is it to tell me what a woman is?

 

Another day, it might be:

Why do we have to be one or the other?

What other choices are there?[3]

 

This morning Teva and I offer readings, music and some personal sharing with the intention of opening up some space for you to answer these “Gender Outlaw” questions for yourselves.

Before we get too far, though, I know that I need to define some terms.  In your order of service is a crossword puzzle that was copied from Bornstein’s book, My Gender Workbook.  We have a few moments now to work together on this.  I considered passing out pencils, but decided we could do without them, for the puzzle, as its title suggests, is “not so difficult after all.” 

 

[The puzzle, created by Kate Bornstein, defines “gender” as “

--a fanatical cult, demanding blind obedience to mostly unwritten, unagreed-upon rules, regulations, and qualifications.

--any standard (usually, but not necessarily biological) by which we can easily and without much thought conveniently divide the human race into two neat parcels. (e.g. sociological, genital, chromosomal, psychological, hormonal, et cetera, ad nauseum).

--an oppressive class system of two and only two classes, usually held in place by the assumption that the class system is ‘natural,’ in which system one class has nearly total economic and political power over the other

--a means of cultural traction, an identity or persona by which to identify oneself to another or maintain some position within a relationship or culture

--currently a system of dividing people into one of two impossible-to-live-up-to standards: male or female

--a means by which we can express our sexual desire

--a means by which we can attract others, to whom we are attracted.”][4]

 

So now you know what we mean when we use the word, “gender.”

Other terms of importance this morning are

 

Gender assignment which answers the question “what do the authorities say I am?”  In most cultures it is male or female.  Gender assignment is something done to us, long before we have any say in the matter.

 

Gender role is the total of the cultural expectations accorded a specific gender (like men don’t cry, women are nurturing)

 

Gender identity is a personal view of one’s own gender

 

Gender attribution is what we all do when we first meet someone: we decide whether they’re a man or a woman

 

Transgendered refers to an enormous spectrum of expressions and identities which transgress ‘normative’ ideas of male/masculine and female/feminine genders.  Butch women, drag queens, transvestites are some of the folks who commonly identify as transgendered.

 

Transitioning refers to the process that a trans-sexual (or transgendered) person undertakes to have their body match their chosen gender.[5]

 

What is a man?

What is a woman?

Why do we have to be one or the other?

 

 

Reading

The following is an excerpt from a speech that was prepared by Jamison Green, an internationally respected leader within the Transgender movement.  The speech was written to be presented at the Millennium March on Washington, a national march for gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender civil rights which took place on April 30, 2000.  Jamison Green was the only “transman” invited to speak at the event and he was not given enough time to actually deliver his short address.

 

“All of you who think transgender is not your issue—you need to think again about what it is we are all fighting for, about why it is that people have made you or anyone you know feel shame or fear to express who you are.

 

The transgender movement may not make gender go away—indeed, some of us like our gender very much and want to keep it.  But the transgender movement is NOT about perpetuating stereotypes.  Transgender opens up the space between the binaries and allows us to see what our ideas about gender and sex really are.  The transgender movement calls for respect for all people based on our humanity, independent of gender expression, economic worth, sexual orientation, race, class, age, ability, religion, national origin, or taste in wardrobe.  The transgender movement calls for a…shift in the way we perceive the value of a human being.  The transgender movement asks all of us to learn not to judge people based on artificial, or superficial, arbitrary criteria.

 

People whose gender matches their body—and that is the majority of people—are privileged with respect to how they view gender.  They get to see it as arbitrary, something that is imposed on them from the outside like role-playing.  They think they know the difference between themselves and the roles society asks them to play.  Transgendered people do not have the same options.  Transgendered people are told over and over again that they are not who they know themselves to be.

 

The transgender movement asks that [we] give up [our] fear of other people’s identities and beliefs.  The transgender movement asks that [we] be willing to allow other people to be different…and still be worthy of respect.  What we want in common—you and I—is a world free of homophobia, a world free from regulations on gender expression that keep us from getting out of line.

 

That’s the world we are trying to create.  That’s what the transgender movement is all about….We’re talking about…a world where we can all be free to be [ourselves.][6]

 

Reflection (Teva Dawson)

 

I Traveled with a Gender Outlaw

 

I traveled with a gender outlaw.

I met Chris* when he was she

A stone-butch hardened to the world

Hardened after years of people questioning her right to blur the gender line.

Public restrooms were the hardest of all.

the stares

 the laughs

 the “oh I must have the wrong bathroom” look as they back out

 security being sent in after her

 people rushing to get out of the bathroom as if they feared for their safety

 even in queer bars

 even in our church

 Friends who thought it was her problem when these things happened

 She had chosen to look like this, so she deserved this treatment

 Feminist friends blaming the victim for how she looked

 

It was draining.

Constantly confronting the fears and assumptions

Not just from strangers but from our closest of friends.

Friends defending why gender identity should not be included in non-discrimination policies - that would make the policy too radical to be adopted.

My family assuming Chris could fix my car

 

I was the buffer, there to chip away the stone.

I escorted her into the public restrooms.

I challenged her family’s “but Chris looks good in dress” comments

I was the only one that understood. 

I was the only daily witness.

 

 But I felt free with Chris.

 Witnessing the courage of a gender outlaw can only feed yours.

 I was attracted to Chris’s butchness.  

A daring mixing it up, blurring of the lines.

Her ability to trust her desires opened doors for me. 

I felt free to explore and find myself.

Anything I wanted to be felt up for grabs.

 

Chris has now moved to the other side.

 She was too much an alien in this world.

She is now he, trespassing in male restrooms

 

The commute took several years

         Research

         Changing of legal documents

         New clothing

         Discussions with family and friends

         Binding vests

         Hormones

         Surgery

 

I was there for the surgery

Neatly folding his clothes as he went off to the operating room,

Reminded of others that have traveled with trans folks

Reminded of partners that have mended clothes and

washed the bloodstains away from the many gender outlaws that have been raped

and murdered because of their daring transgression.

 

At the clinic, I met several other folks making that last step on their journey to a new gender.

I know their journey's have been long and painful and for most violent. 

But they don't speak of that. 

They are elated. 

They are coming home.

Many had set this date as their new birthdate.

 

I was in the hospital room when Chris returned from surgery.

Disoriented from drugs, Chris opened his eyes.

He saw me.

Whispered my name and a wave of peace flowed through his body.

I burst into tears.

I was privileged to have walked with Chris on this journey.

To be present enough with him that I might bring him peace at that moment.

 

I cried and cried. 

I cried because the journey had been long and painful.

I cried because I felt the unspeakable amount pain of others in the clinic had experienced.

I cried because it shouldn't have been this difficult.

I cried because Chris was home.

 

I was thankful that the drugs knocked out Chris so he didn't have to witness all of this crying.

I was also hoping those nurses didn't think I was crying because I didn't agree with the new gender.

 

 Living as a man, daily interactions with the world are easier

         No more stares in women’s restrooms

 But Chris is still a gender outlaw

 A nomad

 Never belonging, never feeling quite at home

 Always trespassing

 

 

By Teva Dawson

*  Name has been changed

 

 

Closing Questions

 

What is a man?

What is a woman?

Why do we have to be one or the other?

Of what value beyond safety and security is a close-ended system?

Given the option of an open-ended system, which would you opt for?

Is the gender system you subscribe to currently close-ended or open-ended?