Small Group Ministry Celebration SundayRev. Mark Stringer First Unitarian Church of Des Moines 9/22/02
Meditation for 9/22Spirit of whatever brings us peace and wholeness On this mid-September morning In the midst of our complicated lives Where
the things we have learned to take for granted Where our best-laid plans and intentions can crumble into mishaps and misunderstandings Where the struggle to make sense of our days can leave us isolated and afraid. We look to find some strength that may carry us when we are weary. We look to find some peace that may anchor us when we are adrift. We look to find some renewal in the company of our companions who travel this winding road with us.
May we learn to see our challenges through the eyes of those encumbered by their own struggles. May we come to view our individual lives as the pages of one greater story of our shared humanity. May we discover the responsibility we have to the world we share. And may we be reminded of the wisdom that grows from connection to others.
The connections that offer reflections of ourselves we so often miss… The connections that help us to forgive our companions and ourselves… The connections that help us understand our lives As more than isolated experiments with longing and fear… The connections that remind us that despite all that we may lose, We
will always have what we give to each other…
Amen.
Introduction to Patchwork Theme This morning’s service is a celebration of the fact that for the last six months, nearly 100 members and friends of our church have been meeting on a regular basis in small groups as a part of our Small Group Ministry Program. The seeds of Small Group Ministry were planted over a year ago, when a team of nine members of our community gathered with me for seven two-hour sessions to investigate the Small Group Ministry concept and to determine how we could bring it to our church. In January of this year, the implementation team completed its work and an initial group of facilitators began a five-session training program. In March, the program was rolled out to the congregation and by the time it officially started on April 1st, nearly 100 people were participating…an extraordinary initial enrollment figure that I must tell you, I have taken great pride in sharing with other churches.
For those of you who don’t know, small group ministry is a church sponsored program that features small relational groups made up of five to ten people who meet twice a month to establish and nurture themselves in this community. Groups meet in members’ homes, or at church, or both, depending on the needs and desires of group members. All small group ministry meetings follow the same basic structure. First of all, they begin on time. Participants seat themselves in a circle, always leaving one open chair as a symbolic gesture indicating that the group is open to newcomers. A facilitator, who is also a group member, then initiates a brief time of silence so that people can settle into the space. A chalice or candle is lit, accompanied by a short reading or piece of music. One by one, the participants then have an opportunity to check-in, to share from their lives without interruption. What people share varies from session to session. Content ranges from things happening at work, or in their family, to an idea or question they have been pondering, or a discovery that they have made. Each participant has around five minutes to speak.
Having a structured opportunity to articulate what is happening in their lives is a privilege and, for many, becomes a highlight of the session. But this check-in time is unique and important for the listeners as well as the speaker. Not having the obligation to immediately respond to someone’s check-in affords the other group members the opportunity to listen more intently, to engage in what is known as “deep listening.” Participants become more familiar with each other’s lives…they get to hear storylines unfold over time. Sometimes the stories that are shared may be familiar and sometimes they may reveal deeper truths we may have forgotten, or perhaps not yet discovered. There are no expectations for what will be shared, in fact, to pass is always an option. Once everyone has had the chance to check-in, there is usually time for 15-20 minutes of follow-up conversation. During this time, questions may be asked, encouragement or support is sometimes given, joy and sorrow are often shared. This is not a time when unsolicited advice is offered, or when group members are encouraged to point out the folly or mistakes of others. However, the follow-up conversation does oftentimes spur interesting ideas and perspectives that may prove helpful to the participants.
At the conclusion of the follow-up conversation time, about one hour into the meeting, the facilitator offers a topic for discussion, usually in the form of a question. A discussion topic is intended to promote reflective conversation. Examples might be “What have you learned from your mistakes or your failures?” “What is courage and when have you been courageous?” “How do you co-exist with difficult people?” “How can we simplify our lives?” “How do you cultivate a thankful heart?” Sometimes the discussion topics may be seasonal, such as “How are you feeling as we move into the Christmas season?” or “What is your favorite memory of summer?” Sometimes instead of a question, there is an activity that promotes discussion. For example, “Draw a time-line that reflects your religious journey” or “Create a list of things you’d like to experience before you die.”
When the group has met for nearly two hours, the facilitator initiates a check-out called “likes and wishes”. This time is an opportunity for people to share what they liked about the meeting and what they wish it could have been. This is followed by closing words or music and the extinguishing of the chalice or candle.
Each group is led by a trained facilitator who, in addition to the two monthly sessions with their group, meets with me and the other facilitators once a month for our own small group. This monthly meeting enables us to share feedback and new ideas, troubleshoot problems, and celebrate successes and gives each group a tie-in back to the church.
The facilitator’s primary function beyond meeting with other facilitators once a month is to see that the meetings begin and end on time and that the group develops and follows a covenant of behavior. The program’s continued health and success, however, depend on all group members sharing the privilege and responsibility for helping the group to function. Early on, one group member is designated as an apprentice facilitator in anticipation of meetings the facilitator might miss and in preparation for program growth.
As symbolized by the empty chair at every meeting, small group ministry is designed to be open and welcoming to newcomers. Once a group has surpassed the prescribed limit of ten members, it covenants to split in half, with the apprentice facilitator leading the newly formed group. This commitment that groups will not exceed ten members is intended to ensure the intimacy of the groups and the likelihood that continued growth might occur.
After six months of meetings there is an opportunity for participants to regroup in order to accommodate changes in their schedules or so that they may connect with other church members. During each six-month period, each group covenants to perform one service project of its choice for the church or larger community. The service component allows participants another chance to bond while serving the needs of others, thereby ensuring that the individual groups do not become too inwardly focused.
This morning we find ourselves at the end of the first six-month session, and that’s why I have labeled this service as “Small Group Ministry Celebration Sunday.” We have studied, prepared, developed and most importantly carried out a successful new church program that has reached a significant number of our members and friends. This fact is worthy of celebration. We should celebrate not just because we put a program together, though. We should celebrate because many people in our community now know up to nine other people much better. They have shared stories of their joys and sorrows… of their hopes and dreams…and of their fears and challenges. They have participated in service projects that have served our church, and they have contributed to the stated mission of the Small Group Ministry program: Meaningful Connections…10 people at a time…. This is worth celebrating! I’ve asked a few of the people who have participated during the first six months to offer their perspectives on Small Group Ministry. We begin with Mary Ellen Neal.
Perspective #1 “a participant…” Mary Ellen Neal I thought that I might best describe my reflections of Small Group Ministry by taking you through the steps that I made to bring me here today. When I first heard about the SGM program, I was not enthusiastic but I was supportive. I always feel that a new venture is worth a try. One thing I knew for a certainty, was that “check in” was a useless and wasted exercise, best confined to a Mickey Mouse parlor game. The first thing I verbally established was the option of passing and the self determination that I share nothing of a personal nature. Well, I passed that unfounded presumption many months ago. I am now able to participate with the best of them. Freely, openly and gladly. This exercise has enabled me to share with and learn about my fellow members and at the same time taught me AGAIN that I’m constantly in a learning process. I have been able to get acquainted and become friends of people I might otherwise never have known. I love my new friends and know that I will have them forever. I count this as one of my greatest benefits of the past six months. After ‘check in’ our facilitator opens with a reading and a lighting of our chalice. There is a session plan that sets up a meeting and the facilitator of the group sends an advance notice of the subject topic so all can be prepared to contribute. There is no advance study. It is strictly timely topics that everyday life functions around. One evening it was “Forgiveness.” This was followed by a series of questions: How do you respond when you are wounded? How do you feel toward the person who has hurt you? Can you forgive and break the cycle? How long do you carry your anger?
That evening enabled me to both vent and learn. I found new tools to help me cope and new insights of respect for my fellow members. I found out I was not alone. And several highly amusing feelings that I was able to relate to. Our facilitator keeps us on track and watches the time element. At the end of the discussion, the next exercise is sharing “What I liked or disliked tonight.” I love this feature because it was always an honest assessment of the entire evening’s activity. I love to assess and vent and hear others. We really learn a great deal about one another and I think it draws the entire thing together and brings a healthy closure to our evening. A closing reading is done and the candle extinguished. I have gotten far more out of our Small Group Ministry than I ever dreamed possible. I believe it widens the circle of my church family and is a great builder of unity within our congregation. We all share the belief of our Seven Principles and the tighter our bonds of friendship the stronger our bridges to all mankind. I am grateful for my new friends, the knowledge I learned from others and the strength this experience has given me and as a result… I AM STRONGER IN MY LIFE AND MY COMMITMENTS AND PROUD TO BE A MEMBER OF THIS CHURCH.
Perspecitve #2 “a facilitator…” Roger Evans I have been asked to share some of my experience as a participant in Small Group Ministry this year. I have been one of the people who has facilitated a group and it has been a moving and significant experience for me. I believe that SGM is simply a way of allowing those of us who wish to share our stories an opportunity to do so. It is more of a sharing experience than a thinking experience. The question came up at our first meeting as to whether this was a discussion group and my answer to that is that it definitely is not a discussion group. There seemed to be some misunderstanding here and so I did explain the difference as I understand it. A discussion group is a thinking exercise, whereas SGM is an opportunity for individuals to share of themselves as they see fit. It is not limited to the thinking part, but includes a persons thoughts, feelings and experiences.
Two examples may illustrate the difference. One of the topics was forgiveness. Had this been a discussion group there would have been an intellectual analysis of what forgiveness is, why it is important, and other dissection of the concept of forgiveness with individuals making there points and trying to convince others of the rightness of there position on forgiveness. In our small group, individuals shared how forgiveness has been or is important in their lives. Members talked about times in which they needed to forgive and times in which they needed to be forgiven. In short it was personal stories centered around forgiveness, not a discussion of the concept. The second example centers around 9-11. In a discussion group there would be discussion of the importantance of the events of 9-11 and what it all means to us as a nation and the significance the event has. In Small Group Ministry, each individual has the opportunity to share how he/she experienced the events of that day and what was going on with them at the time and what has happened to them as a result of that day.
As most of you know the first hour in SGM is spent in a check in time in which each member is allowed time to talk about the important events in that members life. This has been an especially important part of our groups involvement as there have been significant life events that have taken place for many of our group members. Those of us in the group have been allowed the opportunity to share in these life events as stories of courage, strength, pain, and joy have been told. Not all of the stories have been of high emotion, but all have been an important aspect of each persons life story at the time. I have felt privileged to share in hearing these stories as well as welcomed the opportunity to tell my own stories.
I do not say that SGM is for everyone. I do not say that sharing is better than discussion. But I do say that for those who want to tell their stories and to have them heard and who are willing to listen respectfully to the stories of others, that SGM is a wonderful vehicle for doing that. SGM offers a chance to understand others and to be understood by others. It offers a chance to develop close relationships with others. I have been enriched by the experience and found it to be a significant experience in my life. I look forward to continuing to have such experiences in the second round of Small Group Ministry. I invite you to join us.
Perspective #3 “an SGM evangelist…” Sally Boeckholt I’ve been lucky to be involved in our Small Group Ministry program for a full year, first as a member of the Small Group Implementation Team, then as a member of the Saturday morning group this past spring and summer.
As we gear up for a new series of group to begin, I’ve been thinking about what metaphor would best describe what happens in a small group. It’s sort of like chemisty…but I’m not chemist, so coming up with appropriate images quickly proved impossible. Instead I decided to focus on a metaphor that many of you can hopefully relate to. Join me in the kitchen.
The following is a recipe that I have found particularly tasty at this time in my life:
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Recipe for Small Group Ministry:
Ingredients:
6-10 Human Beings of a variety of ages, genders, theologies, family structures, sexual orientations, occupations, interests, political views, and any & every other conceivable variable.
2 Monthly 2-hour meetings written in BIG RED LETTERS on the calendar. (for example: Rolling Stones tickets? Sorry, I’ve got Small Group. Sister’s wedding? I’ll be a little late, I’ve got Small Group) (You get the idea)
Combine ingredients with an opening reading and chalice lighting. Break open shells with an opportunity for each human to share their current journey without interruption. Allow adequate time for simmering and feedback. Introduce a topic and knead vigorously! Mix together a covenant that includes safety, sharing and service. Allow rest between meetings and begin again.
Yield: 6-10 friends who’ve cried and laughed and become one magnificent small group.
I’ve shared this recipe with most of my friends, both in the church and out. I’m unabashedly a Small Group evangelist….er…chef. Of course, I never cooked alone – I shared the kitchen with my fellow chefs: Roger and Alice, Janis, Susan and Connie, Todd, Jim, Pam and Merle. Nothing I could tell you about Small Group Ministry is complete without thanking each of them for making our Small Group a truly marvelous feast.
I hope all of you – yes, I’m ambitious! – will join in the program this time around. If you participated last time, you have tasted the joy and challenges of Small Group. If you didn’t, don’t start a diet today – join me and the other facilitators at the table.
Reflection “What have we learned and what comes next” Rev. Mark Stringer
First of all, I want to thank Mary Ellen, Roger and Sally for sharing with us this morning. I know their comments don’t represent all the opinions about SGM that exist in our community, but they do speak to much of what I have heard. Here are some of the things I think we have learned so far:
--Despite the variety of meeting times that were offered during the first six-month session, there were some folks who could not find a time that fit their schedule. This is, of course, mostly inevitable. However, I do want people to know that the times that are available are those that have been selected by the people willing to facilitate. When we regroup again in March, I respectfully suggest that those who would like to see another time made available consider becoming facilitators themselves. --Parents of young children are not well-served by the program as it currently exists, as there is no official provision for child care. Some couples with children chose to be in separate groups. Some parents chose not to participate at all. This is a regrettable situation, and poses a problem that the facilitators have thus far, been unable to solve. Perhaps one of the groups could tackle this dilemma as their service project. We are definitely open to suggestions! --Flexibility within groups has been important. Some groups liked having the evening’s topic sent out beforehand; other groups preferred to have it presented the evening of the meeting. Some groups relied heavily on the session plans I prepared, and others felt comfortable creating topics based on the evening’s check-in. This kind of flexibility is encouraged and is important to the program. Each group is responsible for governing itself and relies on its participants being forthright during the “likes and wishes” portion of each meeting. For example, if one person dominated the conversation, the healthy functioning of the group requires that participants note it during likes and wishes. Or if attendance by some participants is irregular, the group should attempt to find out why. With this approach of honest feedback and response, a small group gives participants the opportunity to practice the model of polity (or governance) that our church follows. If things are not going the way a participant thinks they should be going, she is expected to speak up, to present her concerns to the rest of the group so that constructive discussion can take place. Will each member always get his way? Of course not. But participants owe it to the health of their group…just as we owe it to the health of our church…to voice concerns in an open and therefore appropriate way. --Size of the groups makes a difference. Due to the initial popularity of this program, most of the groups began with ten members, which, as you know, means that most of the groups were full. A few of the groups made moves to split into smaller groups and found the smaller size to be more conducive to the kind of sharing that the program promises. This is the primary reason why groups that have regular attendance surpassing ten are encouraged to split. --Groups that completed the action projects found them to be one of the highlights of their group experience. Projects this time around included serving at all-church dinners, hosting potlucks, assembling church directories, and assisting shut-in members of our church. There is no doubt our church benefited from these projects. Perhaps future groups will choose to go outside the boundaries of our community. The possibilities are limitless. --Facilitators make a significant and indispensable contribution to the success of the program. Not only do they meet with their groups twice a month, but they also meet with other facilitators once a month for their own small group. This extra two-hour meeting can feel like a burden, but it provides an essential opportunity for program feedback and trouble-shooting. I know my monthly meetings with the facilitators have been one of the highlights of my ministry here and I am grateful for their participation and commitment. At this time, I would like to acknowledge the people who have served as facilitators during the first six-month session: Jane Belll, Roger Evans, Mary Hays, Carol Henderson, Susan Jellinger, Heidi Lackmann, Cathy Musset, Walter Pearson, and Joel Severinghaus. --Small Group Ministry is not designed to meet everyone’s needs. As Roger pointed out, these are sharing groups and not everyone wants to share. That is OK. If some of you would prefer to create a more intellectual discussion group, or if you would like to teach a class or create a new affinity group (like the quilting group or women’s potluck or bike group) let me or Lori Allen know. We would be happy to offer our support for your endeavor. -- Some long-term members, those who have participated in meaningful projects in the church or who already have deep connections here, may not see SGM the way a newcomer does. But it is important to acknowledge today that newer members of our community have been some of the program’s biggest supporters. It is no coincidence that this program is called small group ministry. For the program is a ministry. It is a ministry of caring and community. It provides a place for the ministry that all of us who believe in liberal religion and this church must carry out, for it provides a place for the welcoming of others to what we have found. It means making space for others to make the kinds of connections that we have made. This means opening our hearts to the gifts of those who wish to travel with us. --The six-month regrouping time allows for people to come and go from the program easily, and this too is important. Our lives get complicated and time that may have been available six months ago can quickly be in short supply. We should not be surprised or disappointed, therefore, when the number of people participating each fall and spring ebbs and flows. That is OK. What is important is that the opportunity remains for people to join groups when they feel the time is right. --What does the future hold? That all depends on what we believe it should hold. I think the possibilities are without limit. The youth are currently using the SGM format for their Sunday morning programming. I will be utilizing a SGM-inspired format for our new Focus Teams this year. And I’m sure SGM will continue to impact our church in interesting ways. But most importantly, I believe that SGM will remain an important part of this church as long as there are at least five people who want to gather twice a month to share stories from the lives they know best…their own.
To those of you already in the program, thanks for giving it a chance. For those of you yet to come aboard…we’ll be here when you are ready.
Closing WordsAs we take our leave from this community Returning to the freshly cooled autumn air Making our way back to our singular rooms Under the rounding dome of the sky May we make channels for the streams of love That will always lead us back to each other, That will always lead us back to life.
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© Rev. Mark Stringer, First Unitarian Church of Des Moines September 22, 2002