WE ARE LOVABLE, YOU ARE LOVABLE, AND EVEN I AM LOVABLE

March 09, 2003 by Roger Evans

 

 I SUPPOSE THAT IT WAS INEVITABLE THAT EVENTUALLY I WOULD DO A SERMON BASED ON MY DISCIPLINE OF PSYCHOLOGY. I AM NOT BIG ON POP PSYCHOLOGY, BUT I DO FIND SOME SENSE IN MUCH THAT IS FOUND THERE. IN COUNSELING WITH PEOPLE OF ALL AGES I HAVE FOUND THAT MANY PEOPLE SEEM TO HAVE LOST MUCH OF THE SENSE THAT THEY ARE LOVABLE. IT IS MUCH EASIER FOR MOST OF US TO SEE THAT OTHERS ARE LOVABLE THAN IT IS TO SEE THAT EACH OF US IS LOVABLE. IN MY VIEW WE ARE BORN LOVABLE. IF YOU THINK THAT IS NOT TRUE, THEN GO TO ANY HOSPITAL AND PICK OUT THE NEWBORNS THAT APPEAR TO YOU TO NOT BE LOVABLE. THEY ALL ARE. THE PROBLEM IS THAT NOT ALL CHILDREN ARE BORN INTO FAMILIES IN WHICH THE PARENTS KNOW HOW TO LOVE. IN THAT INSTANCE THE CHILD IS NOT LOVED, BUT THE CHILD ALWAYS FEELS THAT THE PROBLEM IS THAT HE/SHE IS NOT LOVABLE. A CHILD IS NOT ABLE TO KNOW THAT IT IS A SHORTCOMING OF THE PARENTS AND NOT OF THE CHILD. THUS THE QUOTE FROM SCOTT PECK IN ONE OF OUR READINGS THIS MORNING NAMING THIS AS A MYTH. AND THAT MYTH IS THAT OUR PARENTS LOVED US. THAT IS TRUE IN MANY CASES, BUT CERTAINLY NOT IN ALL CASES.

ERIC BERNE IS GENERALLY CONSIDERED THE FOUNDER OF TRANSACTIONAL ANALYSIS A FORM OF PSYCHOLOGY THAT BECAME POPULAR IN THE 70’S AND 80’S AND MAYBE STILL IS. HIS CONTENTION WAS THAT WE ALL ADAPT A LIFE POSITION EARLY IN LIFE AND THAT THE MOST COMMON LIFE POSITION IS "I AM NOT OKAY, YOU ARE OKAY." THIS CAME ABOUT EVEN IN THE BEST OF FAMILIES AS A CHILD IS BORN INTO AN INFERIOR POSITION. THEY ARE INFERIOR IN SIZE, STRENGTH, MATURITY, INTELLECT AND A WHOLE BUNCH OF OTHER THINGS. SO UNCONSCIOUSLY ALL OF US START IN THIS POSITION(EXCEPT FOR THOSE IN ABUSIVE FAMILIES AND NEGLECT FAMILIES AND THOSE LIFE POSITIONS ARE MUCH WORSE.) SO IT IS NATURAL FOR US TO ASSUME THIS LIFE POSITON. MOST OF US THEN LIVE OUR LIFES TRYING TO OVERCOME THIS POSITION AND THAT LEADS TO LOTS OF THINGS CONSIDERED GOOD SUCH AS WORK SUCCESS, BEING POPULAR, ACQUIRING THINGS, BEING MOTIVATED TO GET THE GOOD THINGS IN LIFE. ALL BECAUSE WE HAVE TO PROVE SOMETHING TO OURSELVES. ALL BECAUSE DEEP DOWN WE THINK WE ARE NOT LOVABLE, OR GOOD ENOUGH, OR SOME SUCH THING. IF WE ARE AWARE OF IT, WE SAY WE HAVE LOW SELF ESTEEM. WHAT IS AMAZING HERE IS THAT PEOPLE CAN BE HIGHLY SUCCESSFUL IN THEIR FAMILY LIFE, THEIR WORK LIFE, THEIR SOCIAL LIFE, AND VIRTUALLY ALL ASPECTS OF LIFE AND STILL HAVE "LOW SELF ESTEEM." AND AT THE BASE OF THIS IS THE FEELING THAT WE REALLY ARE NOT LOVABLE. SOMEHOW WE ARE GOING TO BE FOUND OUT. BUT THE TRUTH IS WE ALL ARE LOVABLE, BUT WE HAVE JUST LOST CONTACT WITH KNOWING THAT AND DESPITE ALL THE EVIDENCE TO THE CONTRARY MANY OF US STILL CLING TO THIS FAULTY BELIEF. AND IF YOU BELIEVE IT THEN YOU ACT UPON THAT BELIEF. IT IS YOUR REALITY AND WE ALL OPPORATE FROM OUR OWN REALITY. HERE IS AN EXAMPLE FROM MY OWN LIFE. WHEN I WAS A YOUNG MAN IN HIGH SCHOOL I WAS TALL AND SKINNY STANDING IN A 6 FOOT 3 INCHES AND WEIGHTING IN AT A HEFTY 127 POUNDS. AND I HAVE THE PICTURES TO PROVE IT. I WAS SHY AROUND FEMALES AND I TRULY BELIEVED THAT NO GIRL WOULD WANT TO GO OUT WITH ME. SO I NEVER ASKED ANYONE FOR A DATE. FINALLY IN MY SENIOR YEAR OF HIGH SCHOOL, A GIRL I WORKED WITH WAS ESPECIALLY FRIENDLY WITH ME AND WE OFTEN STOPPED FOR COFFEE AFTER GETTING OFF FROM OUR JOBS AT THE MOVIE THEATRE. SO FOR MONTHS I STRUGGLED WITH ASKING HER OUT AND FINALLY I TOLD MYSELF THAT SHE WAS SO FRIENDLY TOWARD ME THAT SHE JUST MIGHT GO. SO I FINALLY ASKED HER AND HER REPLY WAS WORDS TO THE EFFECT THAT SHE LIKED ME FINE AS A FRIEND, BUT THAT SHE WOULD BE ASHAMED TO BE SEEN WITH ME ON A DATE. OUCH. WHAT IS SURPRISING ABOUT THAT ENCOUNTER IS THAT I WAS NOT EVEN MAD AND I THOUGHT TO MYSELF "WHAT WAS I THINKING, I KNEW THAT ALL ALONG." IT NEVER OCCURRED TO ME THAT THERE MIGHT BE SOMETHING WRONG WITH HER OR THAT SHE WAS A SELF-CENTERED INSENSITIVE PERSON(WHICH SHE WAS). IT WAS SIMPLY THAT I BELIEVED I WAS SOMEONE THAT ANY GIRL WOULD NOT WANT TO DATE. MUCH LATER IN MY LIFE I LEARNED THAT A GIRL THAT I LIKED A LOT AND ONE THAT I WAS AFRAID TO ASK OUT, TOLD ME THAT SHE ALWAYS WISHED THAT I WOULD HAVE ASKED HER OUT. BUT THAT WOULD NEVER HAPPEN BECAUSE MY REALITY TOLD ME THAT NO GIRL WOULD WANT TO GO WITH ME. THAT WAS MY REALITY AND I BEHAVED ACCORDINGLY. BUT IT DID TAKE ME QUITE AWHILE BEFORE I ASKED THE NEXT WOMAN FOR A DATE. I WAS PRETTY CONVINCED AT THAT TIME THAT I WAS NOT LOVABLE. BUT THE TRUTH IS I WAS JUST AS LOVABLE THEN AS I AM TODAY. SMILE, SMILE.

 

SO WHAT DO WE DO TO GET BACK TO OUR ORGINAL LOVABLE SELFS. FIRST WE NEED TO RECOGNIZE THAT WE ARE LOVABLE. IF YOU THINK THAT YOU ARE NOT LOVABLE, THEN WHERE IS THE EVIDENCE THAT YOU ARE NOT. OFTEN WHEN I AM WORKING WITH A PERSON ON THIS TOPIC AND I ASK THEM TO SHOW ME THE EVIDENCE THAT THEY ARE NOT LOVABLE OR THAT THEY HAVE LOW SELF ESTEEM, THEY ARE TOTALLY UNABLE TO ANSWER THAT QUESTION. THAT IS NOT TRUE FOR EVERYONE, BUT IT IS TRUE FOR MANY AND EVEN THE ONES WHO FEEL THEY HAVE A REASON WHEN WE PUT THAT REASON TO THE TEST OFTEN IT IS NOT A VALID REASON, BUT THE PERSONS INTERPRETATION OF A LIFE EXPERIENCE. SOME OF THIS COMES FROM OUR WILLINGNESS TO GIVE AWAY OUR POWER TO OTHER PEOPLE. THIS SEEMS TO ME TO BE ESPECIALLY TRUE IN THE AREA OF FEELINGS. MANY OF US SEEM PERFECTLY WILLING TO ATTRIBUTE OUR FEELINGS TO THE EFFECT OTHERS HAVE ON US. WE SAY THINGS LIKE "HE MADE ME SO MAD." "SHE MAKES ME DEPRESSED." OR ANY NUMBER OF THINGS. THOSE ARE WAYS OF GIVING AWAY OUR POWER. MY FEELINGS ARE MY FEELINGS AND I OWN THEM. IF I AM ANGRY, IT IS MY ANGER AND NOT CAUSED BY SOMEONE ELSE. I MAY BE ANGRY IN RESPONSE TO WHAT SOMEONE ELSE DID, BUT IT IS NOT THE ONLY EMOTIONAL RESPONSE THAT WAS AVAILABLE TO ME. THERE IS AN OLD GESTALT TECHNIQUE IN WHICH A PERSON BECOMES AWARE OF WHAT THEY ARE FEELING AND THEN VOCALIZES THAT AND ADDS THE WORDS "AND I TAKE RESPONSIBILTY FOR IT" SO IF I IDENTITY THAT I AM FEELING DEPRESSED I SAY "I AM DEPRESSED, AND I TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR IT." OR WITH ANY OTHER EMOTION OR FEELING THAT I CAN IDENTIFY. IF I AM NOT WILLING TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR MY FEELINGS THEN I WILL ALWAYS BE A VICTIM IN WHICH ALL OF MY FEELINGS ARE CAUSED BY OTHERS AND I HAVE NO POWER OVER THEM. MANY PEOPLE REMAIN A VICTIM IN JUST THIS WAY. BUT IF I OWN MY FEELINGS AND ACCEPT THAT THEY ARE MINE, THEN I AM IN CHARGE AND I AM THE ONE WHO DETERMINES WHAT I FEEL. THIS IS NOT TO SAY THAT THERE AT NOT SOME FEELINGS THAT ARE PRETTY NATURAL TO SOME SITUATIONS. IF SOMEONE YOU LOVES DIES, IT IS NATURAL TO FEEL GRIEF AND MOST OF US DO. BUT IT IS MY GRIEF AND I OWN IT AND I REALIZE THAT I COULD REACT IN A DIFFERENT WAY. SOME PEOPLE FLIP INTO DENIAL IN THAT SITUATION, BUT IT IS THEIR DENIAL AND IT IS NOT CAUSED BY SOMEONE ELSE. WE ALL CHOOSE HOW WE WILL REACT. WE ALL CHOOSE HOW WE FEEL. IF WE DO NOT ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY FOR THIS, THEN WE HAVE NO POWER AND ARE THE HELPLESS PAWNS OF OTHERS.

 

THOSE OF YOU WITH SOME BACKGROUND IN PSYCHOLOGIAL THEORY, CAN SEE THAT I ALIGN MYSELF WITH THE COGNITIVE THEORY PEOPLE WHO BELIEVE THAT THE SEQUENCE OF BEHAVIOR STARTS WITH WHAT WE THINK. IT IS WHAT WE THINK ABOUT OUR SELFS THAT LEADS TO WHAT WE FEEL OR WHAT WE DO. THE SEQUENCE CAN EITHER BE FIRST WE THINK, THEN WE ACT, THEN WE FEEL, OR IT CAN BE FIRST WE THINK, THEN FEEL, AND THEN WE ACT, BUT IT ALWAYS STARTS WITH WHAT WE THINK. WE TEND TO BEHAVE IN WAYS THAT ARE CONSISTANT WITH WHAT WE THINK ABOUT OURSELFS. WE HAVE TROUBLE IN HUMAN RELATIONS WHEN WE THINK POORLY OF OURSELVES. IF I GO TO HUMAN ENCOUNTER FROM A POSITION OF NOT BEING OKAY, THEN I AM IN A STATE OF DEPRIVATION AND THAT LEADS TO ALL KINDS OF PROBLEMS. IF I GO TO HUMAN ENCOUNTER FROM A STATE OF BEING OKAY, THEN I FEEL WHOLE AND I DO NOT HAVE TO MAKE UP FOR THE DEFICIENCY NOR DO I NEED THE OTHER TO MAKE UP A DEFICIENCY IN ME. NOW IF ALL I HAD TO DO WAS TO USE POSITIVE THINKING THIS WOULD ALL BE PRETTY EASY. BUT LIFE REALLY IS NOT THAT SIMPLE. WHAT IS NEEDED IS THAT WE LOOK AT OUR LIFE EXPERIENCES IN REALISTIC TERMS, WE RECOGNIZE OUR GOOD NESS IN MOST OF OUR HUMAN ENCOUNTERS, WE VIEW OUR FAILURES AS SIMPLY THAT AND NOT THINK WE ARE BAD PEOPLE BECAUSE WE FAIL. MY GOODNESS OR LOVABLENESS DOES NOT DEPEND ON MY NEVER FAILING. MOST OF US ARE GOOD, MUCH MORE THAN WE ARE NOT GOOD, BUT FOR SOME REASON WE WANT TO TAKE THOSE TIMES THAT WE FALL SHORT OF BEING THE BEST WE CAN BE AND EMPHASIZE THAT PART OF OUR BEHAVIOR. A MORE RELISTIC WAY WOULD BE TO LOOK AT ALL OF OUR ENCOUNTERS OBJECTIVELY AND TO REALIZE THAT MUCH, IF NOT MOST, OF WHAT WE DO DOES BRING OUT THE BEST IN US.

 

IF WE ARE ABLE TO DO THIS, THEN WE MAY REALLY BE ABLE TO RECOGNIZE THE TRUTH THAT WE ARE LOVABLE. YOU ARE LOVABLE, AND EVEN ME IN MY OWN WAY. LOVABLE IS REALLY A LARGE PART OF OUR NATURE IF WE WILL ONLY RECOGNIZE IT AND THEN ACT KNOWING THAT WE ARE. SO I SAY TO EACH OF YOU HEAR TODAY. YOU ARE LOVABLE. AND IT IS THE TRUTH.

 

ANOTHER WAY IN WHICH WE SET OURSELVES UP TO FEEL NOT OKAY IS THAT WE TEND TO BUY INTO OUR CULTURE THAT SAYS LIFE OWES US SOMETHING. WE TEND TO EXPECT THAT. WE SEE OTHERS THAT SEEM TO HAVE MORE THAT WE HAVE AND THERE IS A NATURAL TENDENCY TO BELIEVE THAT WE ARE NOT GETTING OUR FAIR SHARE. THIS BECOMES ESPECIALLY TRUE WHEN CRISIS APPEARS IN OUR LIFES. SO IF WE LOSE A JOB, OR BECOME ILL, OR HAVE SOME PERSONAL TRAGEDY, WE THINK LIFE HAS BEEN UNFAIR TO US AND WE ARE NOT GETTING OUR SHARE. WE TEND TO THINK "WHY DID THIS HAPPEN TO ME?" " WHY CAN’T LIFE BE MORE FAIR?" THIS LEADS TO ALL KINDS OF UNHAPPINESS AND NOT OKAY FEELINGS. VICTOR FRANKL IN HIS GREAT LITTLE BOOK "MAN’S SEARCH FOR MEANING." INDICATED THAT THIS WAS THE WRONG WAY TO LOOK AT LIFE. ACCORDING TO HIM, IT WAS NOT WHAT YOU EXPECT FROM LIFE THAT MATTERS, BUT WHAT LIFE EXPECTS FROM YOU. THAT IS A CONCEPT THAT IS FOREIGN TO MOST OF US, BUT WHEN WE THINK ABOUT IT IS PROFOUNDLY DIFFERENT WAY OF THINKING BECAUSE I AM NO LONGER LOOKING FOR LIFE TO PROVIDE ME WITH ANSWERS, BUT I AM LIVING ACCORDING TO WHAT IS EXPECTED OF ME. FRANKL ADOPTED THIS ATTITUTE WHILE A PRISONER FOR YEARS IN THE NAZI CONCENTRATION CAMPS AND HE DECIDED THAT LIFE EXPECTED HIM TO SUFFER AND IF SUFFERING WAS HIS LOT IN LIFE THEN HE WOULD DO IT NOBLY AND WITH DIGNITY AND HONOR. HOW MANY OF US IN THAT SITUATION WOULD BE ABLE TO DO THE SAME. BUT FOR HIM, IT IS WHAT MADE IT POSSIBLE FOR HIM TO SURVIVE. HAD HE ONLY BEEN THINKING OF WHAT LIFE OWED HIM, THEN HE WOULD HAVE GIVEN UP LONG BEFORE HE WAS RELEASED.

BUT THAT DOES NOT MEAN THAT ONLY IN CRISIS IS THIS A GOOD WAY TO LOOK AT LIFE. IF WE ADAPT THAT IT IS WHAT LIFE EXPECTS OF US AS OUR WAY OF LIVING, THEN WE ARE MUCH MORE APT TO LIVE IN A WAY THAT CONTRIBUTES TO THE SOCIAL GOOD OR IN WAYS THAT ARE BENEFICIAL TO HUMAN KIND. IF WE ARE BORN INTO POSITIONS OF GOOD FORTUNE(AS MOST OF US HERE ARE) THEN THIS WAY OF THINKING HELPS US TO SEE THAT WE NEED TO USE THAT FORTUNE, NOT TO FURTHER ENHANCE OURSELVES, BUT TO TRY TO ENHANCE THE LIVES OF OTHERS, INCLUDING THOSE WHOM WE LOVE AND THOSE WHO ARE NOT SO FORTUNATE AS US. IT MEANS ACTING MORE OUT OF COMPASSION IN OUR HUMAN ENDEAVORS THAN IN GREED. IT MEANS CARING FOR NOT ONLY OURSELVES, BUT FOR OTHERS AND FOR ALL OF LIFE ON THIS PLANET. WHAT DOES LIFE EXPECT OF US. I CANNOT ANSWER THAT FOR EACH OF YOU ANYMORE THAN YOU CAN ANSWER IT FOR ME. BUT I DO SUGGEST THAT IF WE ALL ADAPT THAT WAY OF THINKING, THIS WORLD WOULD BE A BETTER PLACE AND WE WOULD NOT BE FACED WITH THE DESTRUCTION WE SEE GOING ON IN THE WORLD TODAY. WE WOULD TAKE CARE TO SEE THAT ALL WHO HAVE A LIFE TO LIVE WOULD HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO DO SO FREE FROM THE HORROR OF WAR AND POVERTY, AND DISCRIMINATION AND DESTRUCTION. SO TO PARAPHRASE JOHN KENNEDY "ASK NOT WHAT THE WORLD CAN DO FOR YOU, BUT WHAT YOU CAN DO FOR THE WORLD." AND IF WE ARE ABLE TO DO THIS, WE REALLY WILL KNOW JUST HOW LOVABLE