Don’t Show ‘Em How You Feel; Tell ‘Em What You Think
Rev. Mark Stringer
First Unitarian Church of Des Moines
11/14/04

“He who understand others is wise; he who understand himself is enlightened.”
–Saying from the Tao Te Ching

 

Meditation for 11/14/04

O, spirit of life, creative, imperfect, source of all families…
those complicated relationship systems from which we all came,
and from whose roots we cannot fully remove ourselves…

those powerful systems that can pull us together
and push us apart.

 

We know you, spirit of our living,
when our family connections are a source of joy,
when the loving support of our parents, children or siblings
has kept us afloat in turbulent waters…

and when we have reached out to support family members ourselves, and have been met with gratitude.

 
We also know you when these same connections bind us up inside
with anger, disappointment, resentment…
when we might wish we have never known this strange bunch of people we call our family.

 

Sometimes we look at our families and wish for happier times,
times that once were and can no longer be,

Or maybe times that never were but that we long for anyway.

We look at our families, whether in person or in our mind’s eye,

And we yearn for peace, forgiveness, and redemption,
even as we may tell ourselves it’s a lost cause.

 

Will we ever know why families are so maddening?  Is it possible to be grateful for them even in our disappointment…even in our frustration?

 

Thank you, spirit of life, human possibility in action,

For the opportunity to live one more day with these people who drive us crazy, even as they lift us up…these people who challenge us to be authentically ourselves, even as they work consciously and unconsciously against our attempts to do so.

And teach us, in all the families of our lives, to see beyond the flare-ups and the failures, the maladies and the meltdowns, and to find the peaceful stillness beneath the surface…the stillness from which we came and to which we will all one day return.

Amen.

 

Part I 
As we find ourselves on the brink of another holiday season, a time to gather with family and, for many of us, a time to feel ourselves caught once again in the sometimes joyful but oftentimes traumatic emotional pulls of family interaction, I have built today’s service upon the foundation of Dr. Murray Bowen’s Family Systems Theory.   I have been a student of Bowen theory since theological school and have found its principles extremely helpful not only in my ministry, but in my life.  In fact, I consider my continued study of Bowen theory and attempts to integrate its concepts to be an essential component of my spiritual practice because the theory offers a means by which I can better understand the complexity of human relationships and my participation in them. I share today’s Bowen-theory inspired service with you with the expectation that it may help you to reflect upon and even transform your participation in the relationships of all the families of your lives.

 

Dr. Murray Bowen was a psychiatrist who, before he died in 1990, spent over forty years developing a theory of human behavior that sought to objectively describe human interaction not as it should or could be, but as it is. Bowen was aiming for a theory based in objective facts, compatible with natural systems.  He was more interested in the how, what, when and where of human behavior, rather than the why, believing that to focus on the why of human behavior would always lead to subjective interpretation that would have little to do with facts.

 

He saw that the predominant way people tried to understand human behavior was based in human subjectivity—one person’s experience interpreted by that person…and sometimes by the person’s therapist--an approach based in the belief that the basic unit of emotional functioning is the individual. If an individual has a problem, the traditional belief says, there is undoubtedly an individual to blame: one’s mother, or father, or sibling, or self.  Most of us remain well-versed in this traditional way of viewing the interpersonal challenges we face. When we think of our own families, whether they be biological, adoptive or work-related, we can almost certainly point to a person (or two) who cause most of the problems.  “If this person could just straighten up…or clue in…or get with it,” we tell ourselves, “the family would improve.”

 

Bowen’s observations indicated to him that focusing on one person or group as the toxic element or “the patient” actually contributes to the perceived problem because the other family members can then avoid their own responsibility as contributors to the family process in exchange for their fascination with the so-called dysfunctional member. The theory he articulated, then, took the emphasis off the individual, and focused instead on the entire family as an emotional unit, as a system where each individual member holds a functioning position and contributes to the working of the whole.

 

Bowen believed that even if a problem or symptom only seems evident in just one person, an emphasis on “fixing” or “helping” that person alone would always be misguided, for the whole system—meaning the entire multi-generational family itself and not just a single individual—has contributed to and enabled any symptom that emerges. In other words, there is functional reciprocity within the family system: each member’s functioning position, both past and present, will actually reinforce the others’.

 

One classic example of this functional reciprocity is when one family member over-functions on behalf of another, who, in turn, under-functions.  Take, for instance, parents who, compelled by many factors, including their relationship with each other and the multi-generational relationships of their families of origin, consistently fill in the gaps for their children.  By filling in the gaps, I mean they finish their children’s tasks, step in before they are really needed, don’t allow their children to succeed or fail on their own, etc.  Stuck in this emotional pattern, these parents are often unable to see that by over-functioning they have raised children who habitually under-function, who depend on their parents (and others) to continue to fill in the gaps.  Of course, this kind of over-and-under-functioning reciprocity is not limited to parent-child relationships.  We can find it in various forms in all of our family relationships…between our parents, partners, and siblings; in our work families; even in the interactions found in the greater family that is our human society.  None of us are immune to the influence of this inevitable reciprocity. Our task, then, in the face of a symptom or family crisis, is to do what we can to better balance the equation.  Bowen theory tells us that the only way to truly balance the equation, and thereby alleviate the symptom, is to change the entire system itself, to somehow shift the interactions on a system-wide basis.

 

To hear that the system itself must change in order to ease a chronic family problem or crisis may seem daunting.  And yet there is good news…good news at the heart of Bowen theory and good news in the message I hope you will carry with you today. This news has implications for every one of us, in all the families of our lives.  The good news is that any member of a family…yes that means you and me…any member can introduce change into the system simply by altering her own behavior…by observing, learning from, and eventually shifting her own functioning within the system.   Any member, then, over time, has the potential to transform the emotional and relational landscape of his family…but--and here’s the key--only through a commitment to developing a greater understanding of his own participation in that family.  This broader awareness of one’s role in all family relationships is a contributing factor to his or her level of self-differentiation, a cornerstone concept of Bowen’s theory.  The level of a person’s self-differentiation can be described as the degree to which he can define his own life goals and values as separate from his other family members.  The more differentiated a person is, the greater her capacity to say “I” when others surrounding her keep saying “you” and “we.”  The more differentiated a person is, the greater his capacity to maintain a non-anxious presence in the midst of an anxious system…the greater the degree to which he can take responsibility for his own destiny and emotional well-being even in the face of panic or crisis.  Self-differentiation is not self-centeredness or a willingness to remove oneself from the family system when things aren’t going one’s way.  On the contrary, one’s level of differentiation is equivalent to his ability to remain connected to all members of the system while maintaining his identity and status as an individual.  

 

While there are many important concepts in Bowen Family Systems Theory (in fact, I could do a whole year of sermons based in Bowen’s ideas and still not even begin to adequately cover them), the idea of self-differentiation is extremely important because to move oneself towards a higher level of self-differentiation and thereby closer to one’s basic self, is the project of all Bowen students.

 

Simply put, self-differentiation is an embodied understanding of the adage, the only thing over which you can develop true control is yourself…which is also expressed in the quote at the top of your order of service: “He who understand others is wise; he who understand himself is enlightened.”

 

Bowen would want us to remember that the level of differentiation for each of us is mostly set by the time we leave our family of origin and move out on our own.  From this point on, he found, we will mostly just replicate the lifestyle from our family of origin in all our future relationships.  For most of us, he suggested, it will rarely be possible to make more than small changes in our functioning ability.  However, he did recognize that even these small changes, over time, could lead each of us into entirely new worlds of possibility.  Bowen described the tipping point…the moment when these new worlds of possibility have the best chance to open up to us…as when we begin to be able to tell the difference between emotional functioning and intellectual functioning…between feeling responses and thinking responses…and when we can translate this distinction into knowledge that will help us effectively face future problems and emotional flare-ups with thoughtful action.   The tipping point then is when we learn, as the title of this service suggests, to not show ‘em how we feel, but instead to tell ‘em what we think.

 

Part II
For the remainder of my time this morning, I will focus on the contrast that Bowen theory draws between responses to family crisis that are emotional or feeling versus intellectual or thinking.  Most of us have been taught, if not through therapy ourselves, then through a kind of pop psychology-cultural osmosis, that feelings are for sharing.  When we experience strong feelings, we have been encouraged to talk them out, especially with those directly involved.  No matter what the situation, conventional wisdom says that getting things out on the table is usually best.  While there may be times when talking out emotions is an appropriate thing to do, on the balance, study of Bowen theory suggests that we may do better to process our feelings on our own…that purging our emotions onto others can more typically burden our relationships with inordinate amounts of emotional intensity.  As one Bowen theorist puts it, “if relationships are the court of first resort for feelings, the relationships most often run into trouble.”

 

Why might the sharing of too many feelings be a cause of relationship tension and trouble? Because everyone operates at a different level of self-differentiation, and therefore, everyone has a different level of adaptability.  While some people are perfectly capable of handing the emotional intensity of another’s feelings with an appropriate level of emotional detachment, others will almost inevitably react emotionally themselves, thereby stoking the fires of emotional responses of all involved.  When a family member indiscriminately acts out his reflex emotions on the rest of the family…and by reflex emotions, I mean those knee-jerk emotional responses that even the most self-differentiated among us have from time to time… the member is filling the system’s need for an escalation of emotional intensity.  This escalation is predictable, familiar and, therefore, comfortable…even when it doesn’t feel good.

 

Most of us have experienced this kind of escalation.  Think of a time when you pursued a conversation with a member of your family in which you mostly just wanted to share your feelings. Maybe you sat down with your mother and told her that it upset you when she committed you to do something you didn’t really want to do.  You approached the conversation with confidence.  After all, there should be no argument about your feelings.  And yet, you are surprised when your mother gets defensive and goes on the attack, “Well,” she says, “I never know what you have time to do because you never call me.”  The words “you never call me” slam into you, just as they always do, adrenaline rushes through your body, you begin to get flushed and find yourself stuck in well-worn patterns of behavior that have little to do with the reason you initiated the conversation in the first place.  Maybe you attack right back, telling her how ridiculous it is that she would say such a thing.  Or maybe you clam up, knowing that it is futile to go any further.  Or maybe you storm away, making a big scene of your frustration, which, while high in dramatic value, does nothing to further understanding between you.  All of these are emotional responses. You know what the triggers are, you know how to flip them, and you know when yours have been flipped.    

 

Another example.  You feel that your partner isn’t showing you the kind of affection that you require.  You have tried sending subtle messages.  You have dropped hints, you’ve tried being more affectionate yourself, you’ve even fought back your shame and attempted to get your partner jealous by flirting with someone in his or her presence.   Nothing seems to work, so you completely withdraw, figuring that eventually your partner will notice that you are no longer around.  These are all emotional responses…even the withdrawal…and they may be effective in getting your partner’s attention.  However, as they are all attempts to manipulate your partner into seeing your position rather than you just articulating the position yourself, they are much more apt to create tension and anxiety in a system that is obviously already having trouble. 

 

And then there are those moments of special stress in the life of a family that arise when someone enters or leaves the family system, due to birth, death, marriage or divorce.  These are times of rapid change and high anxiety in the system, when individuals have to reposition themselves even as the well-worn behavior patterns will be most likely to dig in.  Because these high-stress times will often lead relationship patterns to be more intense and involuntary than normal, the very thing that is most needed is the most difficult to achieve: action based in thought rather than feeling.  In these times of crisis, the family members who will be most successful at self-differentiation will be those who trade reactive dumping of feelings into the relationships for a more thoughtful approach of processing feelings on their own, thereby opening the door for more calm interactions where the family can begin to think its way through the crisis.

 

So how does one learn how to process a feeling reaction?  How can any of us begin to reverse the well-worn patterns of emotional reactivity that are so embedded in our family relationships?  There is no definite answer to these questions, as every one of us comes at this from different levels of self-differentiation and every family system is more or less differentiated as well.  However here are some suggestions that might help us develop the ability to be less emotionally reactive in times of crisis.

 

First of all, we can pay attention.  Observe our feelings.  As Bowen said, “Don’t just do something…stand there.”  Notice when our emotions are flaring, and what may have triggered these emotions.  Calm these feelings as soon as we can…even if we must do so after an emotional outburst.  Try to limit our emotional intensity through deep breathing, exercise, or meditation. Getting in the habit of simply paying attention to the roles we are playing in our relationships is an important first step in changing our patterns of reactivity.  When I started paying attention to my own emotional response patterns, I found it helpful to simply tell myself, “Mark, you are being reactive right now.”  Initially, naming my reactivity didn’t seem to help much.  But over time, I have discovered that acknowledging an emotional flare-up is the first step towards choosing a more thoughtful response…which is the goal of the next step in learning to process emotions… 

We can think.  Thinking through the emotional responses we have observed in ourselves is a means by which we can determine what changes we may want to make in our contributions to the relationship pattern.  If we keep in mind that our goal is to lessen our emotional reactivity to the behavior of others, we can reflect on the things we have been doing…or not doing…to help us toward this goal.  Part of this thinking step is to ask ourselves questions.  What feelings got triggered?  What was the trigger?  Is our response something we have felt before…is it part of a bigger pattern?  And is our response in keeping with who we want to be in this relationship?  If we have not responded in the way we would like, what might have been other options?  In this thinking step, we need to be gentle with ourselves.  Not even the most differentiated among us will always be able to maintain calm in the face of every family stress or anxiety, and that’s ok.  After all, a complete lack of emotional response is an unrealistic goal.  We might even say it is inhuman.  However, paying attention to our emotional responses and being thoughtful about them can be important steps in altering patterned emotional reactions that are not in keeping with our best intentions.

 

Next, rehearse.  After considering other options besides emotional reactivity, we can practice these options in our minds.  Repeating the new response in our imagination will take us one step closer to being able to repeat it in person.  Rehearsal in our imagination of new behaviors may seem a little silly at first.  But I have found that it really works.  Without rehearsal, it is too easy to slide back into old patterns at the first sign of tension.  Back to our earlier example, we could practice a more thoughtful response for when Mom says “You never call me” instead of taking the bait.  After all, we know she will do it…so why not be ready? 

 

And finally, once we are ready to try out our new, more thoughtful response, we can commit to repetition.  The more we attempt to utilize more thoughtful responses in our relationships, the more likely we will be to replace our emotionally charged habits with more appropriate and useful thinking responses.  We shouldn’t give up when our attempts don’t go well at first.  We can be sure that any attempt we make to assert our selves within the family, to move even slightly toward a higher lever of differentiation, will result in reactivity.  The family will move automatically to return the system to its former equilibrium…even if that equilibrium is not in the family’s best interest.  As a result, any small step toward differentiation that any of us attempts will be greeted by some emotional upheaval in our family system.  Bowen found this pattern to be so predictable that he came to believe if an emotional reaction does not occur, one could assume that the effort towards differentiation was not successful. 

 

Bowen described three predictable steps in the family reaction to differentiation.  First the family will say to us, “You are wrong” or some version of that.  Next the family will try to get us to change back, which can be communicated in many different ways.  And finally, the system will actually threaten us, saying “If you do not change back you will face serious consequences.” 

 

To withstand these emotional family reactions will be difficult, for when we attempt to act as a differentiated self, we are still a part of the system and are therefore easily returned to our habitual emotional patterns.  However, if we can anticipate these responses and can hold our ground…withstanding them without defending ourselves or counterattacking…we will often discover that the emotional reaction is relatively brief and the other family members will actually come to appreciate our stand for self…mostly because it opens new possibilities for them as well.

All of these steps, paying attention, thinking, rehearsing and repeating, are ways that we can work to improve our own level of self-differentiation…our own ability to maintain a sense of self in the midst of family tension that pulls us into roles we no longer want to play.  I don’t want this to sound more simple than it really is.  We are talking about an approach that it takes a lifetime to integrate…and no matter how well we move towards differentiation of self, there will always be room for more movement. 

 

As much as we might not want to believe it, the means by which we can improve our relationships outside the family of origin, is to work toward improving relationships within the family of origin.  Because the emotional patterns of our families are so foundational in our own emotional patterns as adults, we can best approach an understanding of our selves by working towards an understanding or ourselves in relation to the family system in which we grew up.  There is potential danger here, however.  While Bowen encouraged people to venture back to the family of origin, he did so with the explicit instructions that they do so with thoughtful goals of better understanding one’s self…not to confront or accuse family members or to try to do therapy on them. Bowen said the goal is to stay connected to our family, as best we can.  This does not mean that we have to like our family.  We do not have to enjoy ourselves when we are with them or work towards agreement on divisive issues.  And we certainly should not put ourselves back into abusive or dangerous interactions.  However, Bowen theory tells us that if we can stay connected while trying our best to stay out emotionally…attempting to the best of our ability to develop a one-to-one relationship with every member of our extended family, no matter how superficial the connection may seem, we will gain an important knowledge base from which to better understand our own emotional patterns and tendencies toward reactivity.  The key is to try to view these family interactions with the calm objectivity of a scientist…or as if we are watching a movie of which we happen to be an actor.  I know it may seem impossible to think of being calm and thoughtful in the presence of a brother who has always known how to get our goat, or a father who has never given us credit for anything, or even an aunt who is certain that anything we have to say is simply the work of the devil.  Remember, the point of all this is not to control the behavior of our families, as if we even could.  The point is to monitor our own behavior, to be thoughtful about it, to take whatever small steps we can towards releasing ourselves from the kind of engrained emotional reactivity that saps our souls and causes us to say and do things we later wish we hadn’t.

 

Let me be clear: for any of us, this attempt to develop a separation between emotional and intellectual functioning is not easy.  Small steps are the best that any of us can realistically hope for.  However, each step we take in this effort is a step toward more flexibility, more adaptability and more independence from the chains of the emotionality all around us.  Each step we can take is a step towards freedom.

 

So to summarize, when we find ourselves stuck in patterns of emotional reactivity, we can:
•observe—pay attention to what we are feeling and what triggered our emotions

•think—carefully consider our observations and try to make sense of the patterns and our roles in them

and finally, and perhaps most importantly

•act—rehearse, experiment, and repeat our efforts…even if we have to “fake it till we make it.”  After all, a pattern won’t change just because we understand it.  We have to act if we want it to change…we can to trade our old reactive patterns with responses that are more in keeping with our sense of self…and maybe, just maybe, we will do our part to bring positive change to our family system and, in turn, to all the generations of our family to follow.

 

Last night I opened up a book that arrived earlier in the day.  The first page I turned to had a wonderful poem that I just had to share with you because it seemed so appropriate for the service this morning.  It is from The World According to Mr. Rogers:

What do you do with the mad that you feel

When you feel so mad you could bite?

When the whole wide world

Seems oh, so wrong

And nothing you do seems very right?

What do you do?  Do you punch a bag?

Do you pound some clay or some dough?

Do you round up friends for a game of tag?

Or see how fast you go?

 

It’s great to be able to stop

When you’ve planned a thing that’s wrong.

And be able to do something else instead.

And think this song:

I can stop when I want to.

Can stop when I wish.

Can stop, stop, stop anytime.

And what a good feeling to feel like this.

And know that the feeling is really mine.

Know that there’s something deep inside

That helps us become what we can.

For a girl can be someday a woman

And a boy can be someday a man.

 

 

Bibliography

Much of the content of this sermon was drawn from the following text:

 

Roberta M. Gilbert, Extraordinary Relationships: A New Way of Thinking About Human Interactions, (New York: John Wiley & Sons, 1992)

 

This book provides an excellent, easy-to-read introduction to Bowen theory.

 

Other sources used:

 

Edwin H. Friedman, Generation to Generation, (New York: Guilford Press, 1985)

 

Friedman, Friedman’s Fables, (New York: Guilford Press, 1990)

 

Michael Kerr and Murray Bowen, Family Evaluation, (New York: W.W. Norton, 1988)