The Emotions of our Ancestors

Rev. Mark Stringer

First Unitarian Church of Des Moines
November 5 & 6, 2005

“If a person can look at a four or five generation diagram of his own family and really see it as a living organism, a multigenerational emotional unit that changes gradually over time in accordance with precise principles, he is beyond blaming self or others.”
–From Family Evaluation by Michael E. Kerr and Murray Bowen

 

Reading

“Happy and Unhappy Families I”  by Lisel Mueller

 

If all happy families are alike,
then so are the unhappy families,
whose lives we celebrate
because they are motion and heat,
because they are what we think of as life.
Someone is lying and someone else
is being lied to.  Someone is beaten
and someone else is doing the beating.

Someone is praying, or weeps
because she does not know how to pray.

Someone drinks all night;
someone cowers in corners;
someone threatens and someone pleads.
Bitter words at the table,
bitter sobs in the bedroom;
reprisal breathed on the bathroom mirror.

The house crackles with secrets;
everyone draws up a plan of escape.
Somebody shatters without a sound.
Sometimes one of them leaves the house
on a stretcher, in terrible silence.

How much energy suffering takes!

It is like a fire that burns and burns
but cannot burn down to extinction.

Unhappy families are never idle;
they are where the action is,
unlike the others, the happy ones,
who never raise their voices
and spit no blood, who do nothing
to deserve their happiness.

 

 

 

Sermon    

As we find ourselves on the brink of another holiday season, a time to gather with family and, for many of us, a time to grapple with the challenging relationships and interactions we find there, I have built today’s service upon the foundation of Dr. Murray Bowen’s Family Systems Theory.  This annual Bowen service has become a tradition in our church, now four years running, because I believe, from my own experience, that family systems theory has much to offer us in our attempts to better understand the complexity of human relationships and our participation in them.  In the light of my theology, few pursuits could be considered more spiritual or holy than better understanding our relationships and learning how to function more effectively within them.

 

Murray Bowen was a psychiatrist who, before he died in 1990, spent over forty years developing a theory of human behavior that aimed to objectively describe human interaction not as it should or could be, but as it is. Bowen saw that the predominant way people tried to understand human behavior was based in human subjectivity—one person’s experience interpreted by that person…and sometimes by the person’s therapist—an approach based in the belief that the basic unit of emotional functioning is the individual.  If an individual has a problem, the traditional belief says, undoubtedly, an individual is to blame: one’s mother, or father, or sibling, or self.  Bowen sought to escape this inherently subjective, cause-and-effect, symptom-based approach, believing that

--it is too centered on blame and guilt and on attempts to diagnose others

--it obscures the inherent strength and resilience of the human animal, and

--it does not take into full account the ways in which people truly interact. 

 

The theory he developed, then, took the emphasis off the individual, and focused instead on the entire family as an emotional unit, as a system where each individual member holds a functioning position and contributes to the working of the whole.

 

Bowen believed that even if a problem or symptom is evident in only one person, an emphasis on “fixing” or “helping” that person alone would always be misguided, for the whole system—meaning the entire multi-generational family itself and not just a single individual—has inevitably contributed to and/or enabled any symptom that emerges. In other words, in order for the symptom to be alleviated, the system must change.

 

Of the many components of this theory, the most important for our time together this morning are the concepts of differentiation and of multi-generational emotional process.

 

First a few words about differentiation.  Viewed through the lens of Bowen theory, each of us has a unique place on a hypothetical continuum of differentiation, which corresponds with our ability to maintain stable functioning in the midst of an anxious system…or in other words, our ability to handle and adapt to stress. Differentiation is similar, in some respects, to emotional maturity…however differentiation is actually a much broader concept, as it factors in physical health, intelligence, and social skills, while having little to do with chronological age. The theory says that the level of an individual’s differentiation is equivalent to the degree to which she can define her own life goals and values as separate from those of others.  The more differentiated a person is, the greater her capacity to communicate with “I” statements, as in “I feel; I believe;” especially when everyone else is using “you” and “we” statements, as in “you need to change” and “we miss the old you.” The more differentiated a person is, the greater his capacity to take responsibility for his own destiny and emotional well-being, even in the face of panic or crisis.  At the risk of over-simplifying the functional differences of the various points on the differentiation continuum, I will tell you that people at higher levels tend to have more success in their vocations and in their relationships.  They are able to function more readily out of their principles and they have more freedom to choose between their thinking and feeling responses than those at lower levels, whose behavior patterns tend to be more involuntary and provoke intense emotions.  

 

Now before you go beating yourself up for how undifferentiated you are, know that there is no promised land of perfect differentiation, where, once we arrive, all our family relations will be easy and pain-free.  Each of us, no matter how highly differentiated we might be, can be drawn into the muck of family emotional process and find ourselves just as reactive as anyone else.  All we can do is try to be mindful of our behavior patterns and triggers, taking note of when we have fallen into the trap of emotional reactivity, and to introduce a more objective and therefore open and respectful approach where we can.  Another important thing to realize is that each of us can—through conscious effort, practice, and interaction with highly-differentiated people—increase our level of differentiation in small, though significant ways.  However, for the most part, our level of differentiation is set by our family of origin before we leave home for the first time.  

 

Family systems theory assumes that individual differences in functioning and differentiation are reflections of a logical and predictable relationship process, one that links family members who may have never even met.  This is what Bowen called “multigenerational emotional process” and he viewed it as one of the most important concepts in family systems theory.[1]

 

The process is transmitted through relationships within the family and carries forward emotions, attitudes, behavior patterns and values from one generation to the next.  This process is predictable because only a few patterns of emotional functioning have emerged in nuclear families throughout history.  In fact, the patterns of today are believed to be the same ones that existed hundreds, even thousands of years ago.  When an emotional problem surfaces in a family, one or more of three basic patterns of emotional functioning become bound into the family relationships to handle the stress: 

--conflict occurs between the partners;

--one partner over or underfunctions (takes on too much or too little responsibility for the relationship) in an attempt to maintain harmony.

--At least one of the couple’s children becomes the focus of the parent’s anxiety. 

 

Despite how the problem is played out in one generation, whatever takes place will have nearly inevitable consequences for the generation to follow.  Therefore, the intensity of emotionality in the newest generation will have been significantly influenced by the emotionality of previous generations.  Hence the focus of our service today on “The Emotions of our Ancestors.”

 

The way this multigenerational emotional process works is quite simple.  Let’s begin with a couple in love, a theoretical first generation.  Systems-thinking enables us to assume that these two people have the same basic level of differentiation, or else they would not have been attracted to one another and become mates in the first place.  I find this to be a fascinating component of Bowen theory…because couples often assume that one partner functions at a much higher level than the other, when in reality, the observed differences in functionality are more a product of over-functioning by one partner and under-functioning by the other, a kind of reciprocal balancing act.  So those of you currently in committed relationships who are feeling the need to improve the functioning of your partner, beware!  You would be better served by working on your own functioning in the system.  But that’s a whole other sermon!

 

These two mates, our first generation couple, now become the “Primary ‘architects’ of the nuclear family emotional atmosphere” and each child raised in the family is incorporated into that climate.  Think of your own family of origin.  You, as a child in the system, at least initially, had no way of knowing what aspects of the family’s way of relating were dysfunctional. You were simply inculcated into the parents’ emotional process…for better or for worse.

 

The functionality of the system is equivalent in large part to the initial level of differentiation in the two parents, as well as by the mostly random external pressures any family might face that would produce anxiety, such as illness, economic hardship, tragedy, etc.  Whatever anxiety the family does endure is bound in one of the previously mentioned emotional patterns: marital conflict, dysfunction in a spouse, or “impairment” of one of the children…in other words, one or more of the children ends up carrying the symptoms of the family’s anxiety by acting out or receiving too much or not enough parental focus.  The ways in which the family’s anxiety is managed directly impact the level of differentiation of each of the children.  Later, when these children find their own mates, they will, just as their parents did, choose partners with essentially the same differentiation they have, and so the process continues.

 

Of course, there are variances over time based on internal and external pressures as well as the degree of outside support each successive generation receives.  These variances create trends in family functioning that can be charted over several generations, trends that, once observed, can inform future generations in significant ways. I will say more about this in a few minutes.  But first, I want to play you a song that reflects one man’s observation of his own family’s multi-generational emotional process and his attempt at differentiation in the midst of an anxious system.

 

Recorded Music         “Chain of Anger” by David Wilcox

 

Now I think that is a great song.  I love how it captures the tension of the father as he makes a dramatic stand for his son, and, perhaps more importantly, for himself. Even as I appreciate the song, particularly the acknowledgement that the “rage” of the grandfather is something that is not his alone, but that has been passed down from his father and the fathers of generations before, I’m not sure the song offers a completely effective example of a Bowen approach to the situation.  My concern is in the emotionality of the father’s approach to define self, particularly the demanding, threatening tone that the grandfather change or else, as the father says, “we will disappear”.  Now, certainly, I am not advocating that people in the midst of physically abusive families should keep subjecting themselves to the abuse.  However, my understanding of Bowen theory suggests that the father’s stand might be just as emotionally driven as the grandfather’s rage…and even if the father thinks he is breaking the “chain of anger”, he may be just twisting it into a new shape…one that is still based in anger, and one that could eventually end in emotional cut-off, the most emotionally-based, and, therefore, potentially, the least helpful response possible…a cut-off, by the way, that will impact the grandson, too, as the young man will be triangulated, inevitably, into the erupting conflict between the two men. Nevertheless, I decided to play the song, because I think it shows how easy it is to be pulled into the multi-generational emotional system, and how challenging it is to make a stand for self within our family of origin. 

 

So how, in this world of Bowen theory, where it seems we are inextricably connected to the engrained emotional process of those who have come before us, can we possibly improve our own level of differentiation and functioning within the system? After all, according to Bowen, we will almost always tend to replicate the lifestyle we learned in our family of origin in all our future relationships. 

 

This is a major bummer, for some of us, right?  Does it mean that each of us is destined to repeat the same mistakes that other members of our families of origin have made?  Well, perhaps…sort of.  How’s that for a definitive answer?  

 

We certainly are influenced (if not controlled to some extent) by the relationship patterns of our family of origin, which was, of course, influenced by the patters of the families that came before us.   The good news is that we can learn from the good stuff of our extended families, too, as most every family system has at least some degree of healthy differentiation. 

 

Here’s some more good news: each day we have the opportunity to observe these patterns and to make incremental changes in the system simply by working on our own functioning in that system.  Each small change we can make has the possibility of opening up “the new ‘world’ of a different lifestyle.”[2] Not only for ourselves, but for the generations to follow.  We can, as the David Wilcox song suggests, break the chain…or at least do our own small part toward that end, by observing our own contributions to the emotional pattern and by doing our best to practice and apply more thoughtful systems-based approaches to family anxiety.  Bowen claimed that the crucial point in making these changes possible is when we can begin to recognize the difference between emotion-based behavior (expressed in reactivity, distance, cut-off, overfunctioning/underrfunctioning patterns) and systems thinking which helps us see the multi-generational family as a living organism that can always be a source of wisdom for us, if we can only garner up enough gumption to carefully explore it with the objective approach of a scientist. 

 

A Bowen theory follower seeking to improve her functioning and differentiation within her family is encouraged to begin by creating a family diagram (much like what is on the cover of your order of service)…a diagram that maps out each individual’s place in the family over several generations, along with important historical facts about each, such as health, career and educational achievement, marital status, and so on, as well as emotional facts regarding family history of conflict, distance, cut-off and violence.  Once charted, this information can revel trends and patterns that magnify or explain our own emotional tendencies or patterns and those of our remaining family, thereby providing a means by which we can retain our objectivity, even when the system is anxious. Not all the information needed to complete the diagram will be easily accessible…many family members may no longer be alive.  However, the detective work that is necessary to create such a diagram is perhaps as important as the diagram itself, because the project will compel the student to have intentional contact with many (if not all) extended members of the family system.  This would be a revolutionary step for most of us, a step with significant ramifications, for as Bowen said, “If you can get a one-to-one relationship with each living person in your extended family, it will help you ‘grow up’ more than anything else you could ever do in life.”[3]

 

Even as Bowen emphasized maintaining one-to-one contact with each member of one’s extended family as the way to increase self-knowledge, and, in turn, one’s own level of self-differentiation, Bowen also made it clear that that we should not make contact with members of our family with the mission of doing therapy on them, or “helping” them by sharing our new-found pearls of systems-thinking wisdom. For example, I am not encouraging you to visit with your sister this Thanksgiving and explain to her how she could help the functioning of the family if she would work on being less anxious.  And I am not suggesting that you try to explain to your grandfather how his persistently belligerent attitude leads to family tension and negatively impacts the system. Talk about throwing fuel on the fire!  The system won’t stand this kind of diagnosis, nor will your sister or your grandfather.  This approach, what I would call the “hey, why don’t you chill out!” or “hey, why don’t you change!” approach, is the exact opposite of systems thinking because it is based in blame and assumes that one person is the toxic element causing all the problems, when, in reality, the system as a whole is enabling the tension and furthering the anxiety. 

 

So, if you find yourself wanting to tell your sister (or your grandfather, or your aunt, or your son) to “chill out”  or “change” this holiday, remember, more likely than not, you are probably the one who needs to “chill out;” you are the one probably the one who needs to change her functioning in the family; you are probably the one who needs to manage anxiety.  That’s not to say that the family member in question is not doing something that is annoying you.  It’s just to remind you once again of the key to a Bowen theory approach: the only way we can improve the functioning of the family is to work on ourselves…to manage our own anxiety the best we can…to try to stay in calm contact with family members, doing our best to relate to the family while limiting our reactions to their emotional reactions.  We don’t have to like everyone in our extended family and we don’t have to create or re-create deep relationships with family members we simply don’t enjoy being around or who we think are dangerous or damaging to our sense of self.  The theory does not suggest that we punish ourselves this way. 

 

Instead, systems thinking encourages us to keep it as simple and consistent as we can.  Taking what we can learn from each family contact we make and maintain, we are encouraged to see ourselves as scientists examining pieces of our histories and current emotional landscape, staying calm in the midst of anxiety flare-ups, and consulting with our family diagrams as the maps to treasure that they truly can be…the treasure of seeing the living dynamic organism that is our multigenerational family as a means by which we can ground ourselves in something deeper than accusation and blame, moving instead towards a more realistic way of being in the world…the real world…a world where no one is perfect…where no family is perfect…and where each of us struggles for love, acceptance, peace, understanding, and forgiveness.

 

Let’s share a time of meditation and prayer.

 

O, spirit of life, creative, imperfect, source of all families…
those complicated relationship systems from which we all came,
and from whose roots we cannot fully remove ourselves…

those powerful systems that can pull us together
and push us apart.

 

We know you, spirit of our living,
when our family connections are a source of joy,
when the loving support of our parents, children or siblings
has kept us afloat in turbulent waters…

and when we have reached out to support family members ourselves, and have been met with gratitude.

 
We also know you when these same connections bind us up inside
with anger, disappointment, resentment…
when we might wish we have never known this strange bunch of people we call our family.

 

Sometimes we look at our families and wish for happier times,
times that once were and can no longer be,

Or maybe times that never were but that we long for anyway.

We look at our families, whether in person or in our mind’s eye,

And we yearn for peace, forgiveness, and redemption,
even as we may tell ourselves it’s a lost cause.

 

Will we ever know why families are so maddening?  Is it possible to be grateful for them even in our disappointment…even in our frustration?

 

Thank you, spirit of life, human possibility in action,

For the opportunity to live one more day with these people who drive us crazy, even as they lift us up…these people who challenge us to be authentically ourselves, even as they work consciously and unconsciously against our attempts to do so.

And teach us, in all the families of our lives, to see beyond the flare-ups and the failures, the maladies and the meltdowns, and to find the peaceful stillness beneath the surface…the stillness from which we came and to which we will all one day return.

Amen.