The Answer to How Is YesRev. Mark Stringer First Unitarian Church of Des Moines 4/17/05Reading (from Ralph Waldo Emerson)
We pray without ceasing. Every secret wish is a prayer. Every house is a church, the corner of every street is a closet of devotion. Every desire of the human mind is a prayer uttered to God and registered in heaven. Those are not prayers, which begin with the ordinary appellatives of the Deity and end with His Son’s name and a ceremonial word—those are not prayers, if they utter no one wish of our hearts, no one real and earnest affection, but are formal repetitions of sentiments taken at second hand, in words the supple memory has learned on fashion. But the true prayers are the daily, hourly, momentary desires, that come without impediment, without fear, into the soul, and bear testimony at each instant to its shifting character. And these prayers are granted. For is it not clear that what we strongly and earnestly desire we shall make every effort to obtain, and has not God so furnished us with powers of body and of mind that we can acquire whatsoever we seriously and unceasingly strive after?
SermonMy daughter, Leah, turns 18 months this week. One of my biggest surprises from parenting through her first year and a half on the planet has been that, even though no one told us exactly how to be parents, somehow, at least for now, my wife and I apparently have managed the challenges enough so that all three of us have survived. I say that this is a surprise because in the days leading up to Leah’s birth, I was quite nervous about how this whole parenting thing would work. I imagine most parents must go through some of these waves of panic while awaiting their first child’s entry into the world, for the number of unknowns is simply too great to count or comprehend. And I don’t just mean questions related to the child’s health or features or personality. I mean bigger questions…the questions that really can keep expectant parents up at night…questions rooted in the responsibility you begin to feel for this life you have created…questions like: “Will I know how to do this? What will happen if I don’t? How will I learn what I need to learn?”
I figure that most of the parents out there had an experience similar to mine: no one told you what you could truly expect with the birth of your child…no one told you the details of how your life would unalterably change and how the unknowns would never really stop…but would continue to increase exponentially. Sure, lots of people may have given you a few hints of what was to come, saying things like, “Oh, get ready” … “Things will be different” … “Make sure you go to a movie while you still can.” But I would guess that very few, if any, dared to tell you all that is really involved…as if they even could.
Now that I have some parenting experience under my belt, I know that the details of what will happen when the baby arrives are withheld because they are different for every family; so much so, in fact, that if anyone tries to tell you too much of what to expect, they are probably not to be trusted. Shortly after Leah’s birth, however, I felt as though the world had conspired to keep me ignorant. I was confused and frustrated by how little I really knew what to expect. In my naiveté, I figured that somewhere I should have picked up more facts and techniques. Oh sure, I had thumbed through a few parenting guides and my wife and I took birth classes and had regular doctor visits. But nowhere had I heard or read the real truth of parenting, which I continue to discover nearly every day: you can’t know for certain how to do any of it. In fact, I’ve come to believe that the most appropriate parenting book would be filled with blank pages and titled, Hey, Your Guess Is as Good as Mine!
When you are new at this parenting thing—and, I’m learning, when you are experienced, too—there is no definitive way to know “how” to calm a fussy baby or “how” to get her back to sleep in the middle of the night. There is no certain answer to “how” you get a breast-fed infant to drink from a bottle or “how” to introduce different foods that she will not just play with but will actually eat. There is no sure means to know “how” to encourage a curious toddler to stop offering her face as a scratching post for the family cats, or “how” to explain in a way that she will understand and take to heart that “Daddy is busy writing a sermon right now.”
And I am sure that as she continues to grow up, there will emerge countless other “how” questions without reliable answers, questions that are familiar to most parents. Questions such as “how” can I encourage her to do her homework, or drive safely, or choose a good partner, or become financially independent?
My purpose this morning, however, is not to complain about the complexities of parenting, because when it’s all said and done, I certainly wouldn’t want to give up any of the experiences I have had as a father. My purpose this morning is to share some wisdom I picked up from reading a book by business consultant Peter Block entitled The Answer to How is Yes…wisdom that I find reflected in the challenges and ambiguity of parenting, but that can, of course, be found in other aspects of life as well. At the foundation of this wisdom is the recognition that the urge to ask “how?” when faced with life challenges will always be here, taunting all of us with the promise of easy answers to complex questions. Indeed, it is nearly inevitable that we will find ourselves asking from time to time, “how” we should do something, be something, or change something. And yet, the point of Block’s book and of my sermon this morning is that, in many cases, to ask “how” too quickly is to ask the wrong question all together.
I know that this seems counter-intuitive. After all, if we don’t know how to do something, why wouldn’t we ask “how?”, why wouldn’t we seek guidance from those who have been down this road before, why wouldn’t we reach for what seems like the fast and easy answer? And certainly, there are times when asking “how” is appropriate. “How?” is an essential question, for example, when one is paying taxes or fixing a car or doing any number of technical tasks that have clearly defined goals and parameters. But for the more ambiguous aspects of life-- those circumstances that are at the heart of what it means to be human, including parenting a child, getting along with those we find difficult to deal with, attempting to build community across lines that typically divide us, or working to overcome great tragedy or significant personal challenges—to ask “how” too quickly can actually limit our options for action, leading us to grasp for easy answers that do not account for the complexity of the matter at hand…easy answers that actually distract us from the life we really want. Ultimately then, to rely too much on “how?” is to fall into the trap that of valuing “what works more than what matters.”
Valuing what works more than what matters.
Block says that “what matters” is “shorthand for our capacity to dream, to reclaim our freedom, to be idealistic, and to give our lives to those things which are vague, hard to measure, and invisible…[in other words those things that connect us to] our deeper purpose and a sense of fully living the life we have in mind.” To choose to act on “what matters” then, is to choose a “passionate existence” over control and predictability, a path of meaning-filled risk and adventure over safety. To choose to act on “what matters” is to treat life as a “purpose-filled experiment” designed more for education than achievement.
I first learned of Block’s book at a minister’s workshop I attended a few months ago. Over a dozen clergy from different faiths gathered for a three-day event called “Maximizing Potential in the Medium-Sized Church.” Sounds dry, I know, but it really was a wonderfully rich experience, but not because I got what I thought I went there to receive. I went expecting to learn specific strategies that I could bring back to our church to help us as we continue to grow and strive to live our mission, but I left with much more than strategies. I left with a different way of viewing strategies all together…a way that taught me that perhaps the most important thing we can do in the face of challenging or difficult circumstances is not to seek the right answer, but to ask the right questions.
At the first session, the facilitator asked us to share our goals for the workshop. Predictably, most of us listed “how” questions. “How do we get more people invested in the life of the church? How can we attract more new members? How can we manage the growth we are experiencing? How can we energize the membership?” Each time a new “how” question was offered, the facilitator did not attempt to provide an answer and discouraged the rest of us from trying as well; instead, he offered further questions, helping us discover that questions about the ‘how’ questions could be more useful than any immediate attempts to answer them might be.
For example, when we face a challenge or a difficult decision, rather than beginning by asking “how” to respond, we would be better served by asking “why” we should respond. To start by asking “how” is to imply that all we need to work through the challenge is the right person or resource to provide us with the right tool or method.
Also assumed in asking “how” too quickly is the questionable implication that, even though we are the ones intimately involved in the situation and with the greatest stake in the outcome, we can’t possibly know enough to figure things out for ourselves, or to experiment by taking some risks and maybe making some mistakes…mistakes that are not to be feared because they could actually provide the very wisdom we seek, wisdom that would mean more to us because we earned it, wisdom that could last us a lifetime.
Furthermore, asking “how?” too soon will likely distract us from our deeper values and oftentimes will serve as a defense against us having to take action. For example, if we can’t find a good answer to “How do we get more people involved in the life of the church?” or “How do we find greater meaning in life?” then we don’t have to do anything at all. On the other hand, to ask “Why should we attempt to get more people involved?” or “Why should we find greater meaning if life?” may lead us to discover our true intention…our real reason for wanting to act…and could engage us in asking other questions that would help us get to the heart of what really matters to us … questions that could actually become action steps themselves.
In his book, Block lists six common “how” questions that we often ask in response to challenging situations we face in our individual lives, in our families, in the workplace, or in the institutions we care about. He contends that these “how” questions limit our ability to discover what really matters because they encourage us to look beyond ourselves for simple solutions that rarely exist. Along with these “how” questions, Block offers six alternative questions that he believes provide a more useful starting point in times of difficulty because they are more open-ended, thoughtful, paradoxical even. He calls these alternatives “yes” questions…not because they express a literal “yes” but because they offer a symbol of openness to the possibility of meaningful change. When we begin by asking these “yes” questions, we are forced to not place blame on others, or to look outside for answers, but to more closely examine our own lives, intentions, affirmations and commitments.
I have had the ushers insert a handout with these how questions and their yes alternatives in your order of service, because I have found them most useful in direct contrast to each other and I thought you might find considering them in print to be helpful. Before I go over them with you, I think they will make more sense if you apply them to a situation in your own life. So, I want you to think of a current challenge or transition you are facing (or a group or team you are a part of is facing)…a situation in which you are uncertain how to proceed. For example, maybe you are considering switching careers or retiring or re-entering the workforce after some time away. Maybe you are thinking about having a child or adopting. Maybe you are wondering about a difficult friendship or love relationship, questioning whether you should abandon it or give yourself more fully to it. Perhaps you are trying to decide whether or not to go back to school or to get more involved in some aspect of your life that you have been neglecting. Maybe you are trying to decide whether or not to more fully invest yourself in a hobby or a business idea…or even this church. It could be anything, but it should be something that is on the complex side, with the possibility of significant ramifications depending on the next step you choose. Some of the questions may not seem to fit your situation, but at least one or two probably will.
How
Questions
vs. Yes
Questions
When we feel ourselves looking for an answer to “How do I do it?”, a question that enables us to skip the more important question “Is this, in fact, worth doing?” we might be better served by asking the alternative “yes” question: What refusal have I been postponing?To Block, the refusal we are postponing is more important than the answer to “how do we do it” because if we cannot articulate what we should be saying “no” to, then our “yes” will mean nothing. For example, knowing how to patch up things with a boss will ultimately do us no good if we are postponing our refusal to work in a place that devalues our inherent worth and dignity.
Moving on, Block believes that the most common rationalization for people doing things they do not believe in is that what they really desire will either take too long or cost too much. That’s why avoiding too much of an emphasis on the next two “how” questions is essential if we aim to act on what really matters to us.
If we feel the need to ask How long will it take?, implying that if something doesn’t happen fast enough then it isn’t worth doing, we might consider asking instead What commitment am I willing to make?, which shifts the focus away from a measurement of time and toward what is really important to us. If something is truly important, then time should have no bearing, for postponing it would only decrease the amount of time we have left in our finite lives to pursue it.
We may be unduly focused on another “how” question How much does it cost?, when a more useful question might be What is the price I am willing to pay?,a question that puts the emphasis back on our own commitment rather than on an assumption that pursuits are only worthwhile if we can get them at a discount.
One of the most common “how” questions that Block hears in his work as a consultant and which we might find ourselves asking now as we think about our individual challenges is How can I get that person or those people to change? He calls this the “power question” because even if we say we want others to change for good reasons—for the good of the organization, for the sake of the family, for the good of all humankind even!—the change we seek will always be an attempt to gain control over others…a sure road to failure and frustration. Furthermore, an over-emphasis on “those people” serves as a means to avoid our own responsibility. Therefore, a more appropriate and useful “yes” question would be What is my contribution to the problem I am concerned with? Of course, it is always easier to assume that someone else is to blame for our circumstances, but, as we know that we cannot change the behavior of others, only our reactions to that behavior, to focus on our own participation in the problem is a means by which we can get past the helpless feeling of victimization and put ourselves in position for some real change for the better.
One question that can keep us from taking action is How do I measure it?,which implies that the only things worth doing are those that can be measured and evaluated accordingly. Block points out that an obsession with measurement is really an obsession with doubt. If we feel like we have to measure our progress or success by some set standard, we are limiting ourselves from accepting any positive change that might occur more slowly or outside the box of what is typical or expected. The alternative “yes” question would offer an expression of the kind of measurement that would actually mean something, and this can be found in the question What is the crossroad at which I find myself at this point in my life/work?, a question that acknowledges that we are always at some crossroad in our lives, some place of change, development, or decline, and that there is no permanent “happily ever after” in a life that is always changing; therefore while taking stock of where we are is always important, applying too-rigid techniques of measurement and evaluation will almost always be inadequate and ultimately not helpful.
The final “how” question on this list is How have other people done it successfully? Assuming that anything worth doing has already been attempted, this question may discourage us from trying our own approaches. Of course there can most certainly be value in exploring how others have approached a given challenge, but as Block points out “The value of another’s experience is to give us hope, not to tell us how or whether to proceed.” Therefore the alternative “yes” question is What do we want to create together? which offers a means by which we can refocus our attention back on the knowledge/experience/ wisdom of those with an actual stake in the outcome and reaffirm our trust in ourselves.
As much as the “how” questions in the handout convey an obsession with what works over what matters, the “yes” questions are a means by which we might replace our evasive tendencies towards making decisions based on speed and efficiency, certainty and safety with the more bold and risky emphasis on aim and relationship, ambiguity and possibility.
Again, I share this list with you as a means for you to consider your own tendencies and approaches to challenging circumstances and I hope it proves as helpful to you as it has been for me.
In our reading this morning, we heard Ralph Waldo Emerson ask, “Is it not clear that what we strongly and earnestly desire we shall make every effort to obtain?” My reading of the difference and significance of the kinds of questions we pose in the face of difficulties has led me to respond “Yes” to Mr. Emerson, but only if we ask the right questions…questions rooted more in “yes” than in “how,” questions that are open to possibility more than certainty…questions that Block reminds us are grounded in the same statement used to begin a children’s game of hide and seek, a statement that he calls “profound,” a statement that could just as easily be the mission statement of a life well lived: “Ready or not, here I come.”
Closing Words (an excerpt from “Yes” by Muriel Rukeyser) Some go local Some go express Some can’t wait To answer Yes.
Some complain Of strain and stress Their answer may be No for Yes.
Some like failure Some like success Some like Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes.
Open your eyes, Dream but don’t guess. Your biggest surprise Comes after Yes.
|