Head for the Balcony
Rev. Mark Stringer
First Unitarian Church of Des Moines
12/9&10/06

"If a person gains more emotional objectivity about his/her family of origin and remains in contact with the family rather than cut off from it, the amount of anxiety and emotional distance in the relationships with his/her spouse, children and important others will decrease." 
–From Family Evaluation by Michael E. Kerr and Murray Bowen

Call to Gather (adapted words of Donald Johnson)

We have come together
bringing what we believe and what we doubt.

We come as we are…and inescapably must come,
if we would be ourselves.

 

Of others, we ask no more or less.
Let us be what we are as best we can.
No one is perfect.
No one is better or worse than another,
for no one has lived the life of the other.

 

All are seekers,
no matter how much we have found.
All are in need,
no matter how much we resent it.
All are proud,
no matter how humble we wish we were.

 

So let belief, doubts, shame, pride, humility,
and the inescapability of self sit side by side
in mutual and self-respect,
until we come to understand,
we are one.

 

Introduction to the Theme

As we again find ourselves in the midst of another holiday season, a time to gather with family and, for many of us, a time to feel ourselves caught once again in the sometimes joyful but oftentimes troubling emotional pulls of family interaction, I have built today’s service upon the foundation of Dr. Murray Bowen’s Family Systems Theory.  This annual Bowen theory-themed service has become a tradition in our church now five years running, because I believe, from my own experience, that family systems theory has much to offer us in our attempts to better understand the complexity of human relationships and our participation in them.  From my theological perspective, my belief that the divine is actually brought into being when we commit to the possibility that we can grow our souls by being thoughtful and intentional about our interactions with others and with the world, few pursuits could be considered more spiritual or holy or soul-growing than better understanding our relationships and learning how to function more effectively within them.

 

For those of you new to Bowen theory, here’s a very brief introduction.

 

Murray Bowen was a psychiatrist who, before he died in 1990, spent over forty years developing a theory of human behavior that aimed to objectively describe human interaction not as it should or could be, but as it is. Bowen saw that the predominant way people tried to understand human behavior was based in human subjectivity—one person’s experience interpreted by that person…and sometimes by the person’s therapist—an approach based in the belief that the basic unit of emotional functioning is the individual.  If an individual has a problem, the traditional approach suggests, an individual is probably to blame: one’s mother, or father, or sibling, or self. Most of us remain well-versed in this traditional way of viewing the relationships of our lives. When we think of our own families, whether they be biological, adoptive or workplace families, we can almost certainly point to a person (or a few people) who “cause” most of the problems.  “If this person could just straighten up…or clue in…or get with it,” we tell ourselves, “the family would improve.”

 

Bowen’s observations indicated to him that focusing on one person or group as the toxic element or “the patient” actually contributes to the perceived problem because the other family members can then avoid their own responsibility as contributors to the family process in exchange for their fascination with the so-called dysfunctional member.

 

The theory he developed, then, took the emphasis off the individual, and focused instead on the entire family as an emotional unit, as a system where each individual member holds a functioning position and contributes to the working of the whole.

 

Bowen believed that even if a problem or symptom is evident in only one person, an emphasis on “fixing” or “helping” that person alone would always be misguided, for the whole system—meaning the entire multi-generational family itself and not just a single individual—has inevitably contributed to and/or enabled any symptom that emerges. In other words, the system must change in order for the symptom to be alleviated, the system itself must change.

 

Taking a systems-view of family relationships and interactions can be a radical shift for many of us.  We are often so experienced in diagnosing the so-called problem members of our families, and then allowing that diagnosis to govern our interactions, that to attempt to take a larger, more objective view of the entire family as a system, can seem like an unnecessary detour.  We can be so certain that we know who needs to shape up that, even if we accept the idea of the family as an emotional unit, we are still left to wonder how we can possibly change the system without assigning blame and without trying to fix other people.  Bowen theory has a simple answer for us: We can work on improving our own individual functioning within the system.  In other words, we can give up trying to change other people and work instead on changing ourselves towards becoming more autonomous, yet still connected, members of the system. Even the most subtle changes in our own functioning toward becoming a more solid self in system, the theory says, can open up entirely new possibilities, both for ourselves…and for our families.  My hope is that today’s service will offer some helpful suggestions on ways we can improve our functioning within the families of our lives…no matter how unlikely or impossible it may seem. But first, let’s take some time to center ourselves in this community…to bring our whole selves to this place...and to begin to reflect together on the unique collections of people we call our families.

 

Let’s pause in meditation, reflection or prayer.

 

Meditation 

O, spirit of life, creative, imperfect, source of all families…
those complicated relationship systems from which we all came,
and from whose roots we cannot fully remove ourselves…

those powerful systems that can pull us together
and push us apart.

 

We know you, spirit of our living,
when our family connections are a source of joy,
when the loving support of our parents, children or siblings
has kept us afloat in turbulent waters…

and when we have reached out to support family members ourselves, and have been met with gratitude.

 
We also know you when these same connections bind us up inside
with anger, disappointment, resentment…
when we might wish we have never known this strange bunch of people we call our family.

 

Sometimes we look at our families and wish for happier times,
times that once were and can no longer be,

Or maybe times that never were but that we long for anyway.

We look at our families, whether in person or in our mind’s eye,

And we yearn for peace, forgiveness, and redemption,
even as we may tell ourselves it’s a lost cause.

 

Will we ever know why families are so maddening?  Is it possible to be grateful for them even in our disappointment…even in our frustration?

 

Thank you, spirit of life, possibility in action,

For the opportunity to live one more day with these people who drive us crazy, even as they lift us up…these people who challenge us to be authentically ourselves, even as they work consciously and unconsciously against our attempts to do so.

And teach us, in all the families of our lives, to see beyond the flare-ups and the failures, the maladies and the meltdowns, and to find the peaceful stillness beneath the surface…the stillness from which we came and to which we will all one day return.

Amen.

 

Reading

An excerpt from an essay by Dr. Dan Papero:

 

To use systems thinking effectively, a person needs to develop an awareness of the relationship system and how it works.  Simply watching how the relationships work and one’s own reaction to the system can be informative and helpful.  Observing shifts the functioning of the observer’s brain, and activates areas of the frontal lobes that automatically modulate the observer’s emotional reactions.

 

Some people observe much more systematically than others who tend to sense the system intuitively.  Both approaches are effective.  Keep in mind, however, that you’re observing your own reactions in the context of the relationships, as well as the interactions and reactions of other people.  When you can see your own reactions and their effect on others…you can begin to work on yourself.[1]

 

Reading

A poem by Angela Johnson entitled “From Above.”

 

When it is a warm time
in the evening

and my people are
laughing

and warm

beside me,

it almost feels like

I can fly.

Above the city and
  everything

I know.

--And I am happy in
  the coolness

as I am in the warmth,

because I can fly as

free as I feel

and watch my people

with love

from
above.

 

Special Music       That is the End of the News by Noel Coward
performed by Barb and Bruce Martin

 

We are told very loudly and often to lift up our hearts.

We are told that good humor will soften life's cruelest darts.

So, however bad our domestic troubles may be we just

shake with amusement and sing with glee.

Heigh-ho mums had those pains again, granny's in bed

with her varicose veins again.

Everyone's glad because dear cousin Florrie was run

down on Sat. night by a lorry.

We're so glad Elsie's miscarrage occurred on the

Wednesday after her marriage. When Albert fell down

all the steps of the Town Hall got three bad cuts and a bruise.

We're delighted to be able to say we're unable to pay

off our debts.

We're excited because Percy has mange and we've run up

a bill at the vets.

Three cheers Ernie’s got boils again. Everything's

covered with ointments and oils again. Now he's had

seven, so God's in his heaven and that is the end of

the news.

 

We are told that it's dismal and dreary to air out despairs.

We are told to be gallant and cheery and banish all cares.

So when fortune gives us a cup of hemlock to quaff.

We just give a slight hic-cup and laugh, laugh, laugh.

Heigh ho what a catastrophe, Grandfather's brain is

beginning to atrophy. Last Sunday night after eating

an apple, he made a rude noise in the Methodist

chapel.  Good egg, dear little Doris has just been

expelled for assaulting Miss Morris.  All of her

sisters are covered with blisters from standing about

in the queues.

We've been done in by that mortgage foreclosure and

father went out on a blind.  He got run in for

indecent exposure and ever so heavily fined.

Heigh ho hi diddle diddle Aunt Isabel's shingles have

met in the middle. She's buried in Devon so God's in

her heaven And that is the End of the News.

 

 

Sermon

 

Barb and I had several conversations about what might be an appropriate selection for the special music today.  Early on, Bruce had made the suggestion to perform the Noel Coward number you just heard, but I got the impression that Barb was a little hesitant, as she kept searching for an alternative even after I had agreed to it.  Obviously the song is a little on the dark side and I’ll admit, a musical laundry list of family illnesses and mishaps doesn’t seem all that uplifting for a service in which, one could assume, I would be preaching a message of how we might better function within our families.

 

But I encouraged her to sing it anyway because, though it is written in jest…if not in spite…it is actually quite honest about what some of our families are really like.  The song has an air of being removed from it all. “Here are the facts,” the song tells us.  They are not good or bad, they just are…and when we rattle them off, we can gain a detached sensibility that could actually help us better handle the stress of being in the middle of all this mess. 

 

While our own lists of family traumas would be different for sure, in each of our extended families there are places of tension and challenge around which the family functions…for better or worse.  These tense spots can mushroom quickly due to family illness or loss, or they can be engrained over several generations…deeply carved patterns of behavior that pull successive generations into their emotional vortex.  A systems approach to improving family functioning is built on the premise that the more we can objectively get to know the relationship patterns and emotional tendencies and trouble spots in our families…especially during times of stress and anxiety…the more we will understand our own individual tendencies…and the more we can work at being intentional about our behavior in the system rather than simply reactive.

 

A systems-thinker, then, is someone who understands the value of taking a wider view of things, who knows when family tension is high, perhaps the best thing to do is to head for the balcony.

 

What do I mean by “head for the balcony?”

 

At a workshop a few years back, I heard a consultant talk about how difficult it can be for leaders in any organization or family to see the big picture.  Most of the time, he said, we get so caught up in the dance of life that we forget all the others dancing with us and beside us.  He said it is imperative that we create opportunities to get ourselves off the dance floor from time to time and take a view from the balcony.  Once we are looking from above, metaphorically speaking, we may see things that were impossible to see when we were busy in the hustle below.  New perspectives and new possibilities may come to mind.  And when we do return to the dance, chances are good that we will have some new steps to share…or at least we will better understand how our steps work with everyone else’s.

 

Bowen theory is all about taking this kind of balcony view and learning how to more easily access the wisdom we find there when we need it the most.  One of the first things a person will typically do when working with a Bowen therapist is to create a family diagram that maps out each individual’s place in the family over several generations, along with important historical facts about each, such as health, career and educational achievement, marital status, and so on, as well as emotional facts regarding family history of conflict, distance, cut-off and violence.  Once charted, this information tells a story about the emotional tendencies or patterns of our ancestors, a story that can greatly inform our understanding of the current generation…and our own tendencies, too.  For example, if there is a significant emotional cut-off in one’s present day family, meaning someone is intentionally no longer in contact with others, it is likely that one will find significant cut-off in previous generations.  Knowing that a pattern like this exists doesn’t make it necessarily easier to alter the pattern, but it can help us be more thoughtful about the circumstances of the pattern and our possible role in perpetuating it.  Once begun, the family diagram can serve as a guidebook in an individual’s attempt to retain her objectivity, or to take a balcony view, even when the system is anxious.  Notice I said “attempt” to retain objectivity.  Bowen theory is clear on the fact that no one is perfect.  There is no final destination of 24-hour-a-day clarity…no ultimate family utopia. None of us will ever be able to completely separate ourselves from the patterns of emotionality that in many ways define our family systems.  Our family members, by nature of their unique importance in our lives, will always have access to our emotional triggers, just as we have access to theirs. That’s what makes it a family. [As member Bill Paxson shared with me after this service: “Our families know how to push our buttons because they installed them!”] But the theory is also clear that every consistent and thoughtful step that we can take toward developing a more autonomous sense of self within the system, no matter how simple or small those steps may be, can improve our own functioning and can help others in the system discover their own autonomy as well. 

 

I need to be clear about what I mean when I say autonomy.  Bowen theory suggests that each of us can be placed somewhere on a hypothetical continuum of autonomy or differentiation.  In other words, each of us is more or less able to handle and adapt to stress in the midst of an anxious system. The more differentiated a person is, the more likely that person will use I statements such as “I think…I believe…I am” when the family is under stress, while others are using “you” and “we” statements, as in “you’ve changed,” “we don’t think that way,” “we need you to be the way your were.”   When you think about your own level of differentiation, I caution you to not get too caught up in comparisons with others.  It’s like my high school ski instructor told me after I had fallen down on the slopes for the umpteenth time: “Mark, there will always be somebody better than you and there will always be somebody worse.  Just do your best to get down the hill.”

 

Perhaps it will also help you to know that our individual levels of differentiation were mostly established for us in childhood…a product of the families in which we were raised…just as our parents’ were mostly handed down to them.  Changes in a family’s level of differentiation typically happen incrementally over many generations.  There are no quick fixes; it’s true.  It is unlikely that we will see wholesale changes in our families in our lifetime. Now you may find this depressing, but I find it liberating. It reminds me that I am not to blame for all the difficult things in my family, nor am I responsible for fixing them.  And yet, Bowen theory contends that we can be responsible to our families, even as we realize that we are not responsible for them.[2]  We can do our part to move things along for the future generations, if not for our own, simply by trying to better understand and manage our own habits of emotional reactivity. And we can learn to do this, at least in part, by taking a balcony view.

 

One problem with the balcony metaphor I have chosen to describe the need for a discipline of observation in Bowen theory is that it seems to suggest that the observer should remove herself from the system.  As I have already suggested, this is nearly impossible.  Besides, a true observation of the system would have to include one’s own participation in it or else it would be an incomplete picture.  We have to work on staying connected in the system even as we practice taking a balcony view or else we are missing a key component of Bowen theory: the degree to which we are self-differentiated is equal to the degree to which we can let go of the pressures of being what others want or need one to be while still remaining in thoughtful contact with all of the primary members of the family system.

 

We may convince ourselves that the best way to make a stand for self in the midst of our families is to walk away all together.  It can seem like the ultimate move for independence and it can feel exhilarating…at least for a while.  However, Bowen theory contends that when we emotionally cut-off from the family, when we limit the number of one-to-one relationships we have in our family of origin, we are actually more emotionally fused to those relationships than we would have been otherwise and, worse yet, because of our separation, we have limited our access to the wealth of information about ourselves that our families can provide.

 

Does this mean that we have to learn to like everyone in our extended families?  Of course not.  No more than we have to enjoy being around everyone at the workplace or even here at church.  The theory merely suggests that the more relationships we can maintain within our family of origin, even in the most simple ways--I’m talking here about an occasional phone call, card, or maybe even an annual holiday gathering--the more opportunities we will have to gain a more complete balcony view of our histories and our current emotional landscapes, the more likely we will be to see our families as the living dynamic organisms they truly are, and the more wisdom about what it means to be human we may find there. Bowen said, “If you can get a one-to-one relationship with each living person in your extended family, it will help you ‘grow up’ more than anything else you could ever do in life.”[3]

 

Now I know what some of you are probably thinking.  “Mark, I’ve spent a lifetime observing my family.  I’ve seen enough! To maintain even the most basic relationships with some of these people, even only for observation purposes, would be just too painful or futile or dangerous, even.”  To you, I say Bowen theory does not suggest that we torture ourselves or put ourselves in jeopardy around abusive or violent family members.  Rather, Bowen theory merely encourages us to take whatever steps we can to be thoughtful about our family system, to not take ourselves or our family members so seriously, to practice managing our own emotional reactivity even if it means we must avoid talking about politics or religion or child-rearing or even interior decorating, as the case may be, and to explore what we find with the objective approach of a research scientist.

 

So how can we observe like a scientist in the midst of family tension?  No one said it is easy.  It takes practice, and lots of it.  But it is possible.  First of all, we can do our best to just stick with the facts.  Some fact-based questions we could ask as we observe family tension are who, what, when, where and how. Who is involved?  What are the circumstances or conditions?  Where does it occur?  When does it occur?  How does it unfold?  When using a systems approach to family tension or problems, we are encouraged to not focus on asking why the situation is taking place.  To ask “why” would be to invite a subjective, emotionally-based, and therefore limited response and could more easily lead to a quick fix pseudo-solution that will likely do little but reinforce the system that enabled the problem in the first place.

 

For example, instead of asking why sister Mary Lou storms away from the table during Christmas dinner every year, or why Uncle Bill can’t seem to keep his off-color remarks to himself, or why son Frank refuses to do anything his father asks him to do, the systems observer wants the facts.  Where, when and how does the situation arise?  Who else is involved?  And perhaps even more importantly, how does the stress that appears manifest itself in others…and in the observer.  How might the observer better manage the tension when it arises?

 

By doing her best to keep the focus on “just the facts,” the systems-thinking observer maintains the attitude of a research scientist rather than a makeshift Dr. Phil, who, despite her well-meaning attempts to diagnose her fellow family members or fix their perceived problems, will typically add to the family anxiety rather than quelling it.

 

We want easy answers to our family problems.  We want to be able to diagnose, fix, and move on.  But most of the time, family problems are far more complex than any simple answer and our desire to identify the problems…and the culprits who created the problems…does little to improve the functioning in the system.

 

Another important distinction the systems observer must make is the difference between content and process in family interaction.   Content is the information being passed from one member to the next:  the subject matter, the words that are spoken, the perspectives, interpretations, and diagnoses that are shared. We can get unnecessarily hung up on the content, particularly when the content flips our triggers, and miss the bigger process issues. Certainly, what is said is important.  But far more important to the systems observer is the process or flow in which the content moves through the family. The content will change, but the process (or the way the content moves) is continuous and always provides a window through which important discoveries can be made.

 

Who talks to whom?  Who sides with whom?  Who avoids whom?  These are all questions related to process.

 

Another question is “How tense is the system?” Evidence of high tension includes family members spending more time reacting than thinking and investing more energy on dealing with the process rather than on any particular task or content.  One example of this would be when a family takes an hour to make a decision about where to have dinner.  The content of that discussion is not nearly as important to the observer as the way in which the decision is being made…or not made. How is the tension keeping the family from being able to make a decision?  How is this tension manifesting itself in the observer?  Is there a means by which the observer can manage this tension?

 

Another sign that our own tension is high could be when we feel defensive or desperate to articulate our own perspective…as if sharing our “truth” will offer the missing piece or the final word.  One Bowen-inspired mantra I use when I feel this kind of tension rising in me is “Don’t defend, don’t justify, don’t explain.”[4]  I have learned that if I feel a need to defend, to justify or to explain, I will usually do better to simply listen, or at the very least to try to be more thoughtfully objective about my response.  If I am too caught up in defending myself or explaining my perspective, I will limit my ability to think objectively.   For others, being unable or unwilling to talk may be a marker of stress.  The point here is that systems observers get to know their own tendencies and look to them as indicators of tension.  One of my favorite techniques when I feel my tension rising is to say, “Mark, you’re being reactive.”  Many times I just keep on reacting emotionally.  But now and then, I am able to stop myself long enough to develop a more thoughtful response…a response more in keeping with who I really want to be, rather than who the system might want me to be.

 

When viewing the process, we can also pay attention to the ways in which people tend to interact.  Which people are the most likely to be involved when there are build-ups of intensity?  Who encourages the tension and who seeks to calm it? Who tends to take sides…and do they do it openly or in secret?  How does the side-taking affect the members?  Who has the ability to reverse the intensity with their own behavior?  How actively do people in the system talk about each other behind their backs?  What is the basis of the information?  How accurate is it?[5]  

 

Again, these questions are not intended to help the observer assign blame, which in the world of Bowen theory is counter-productive.  Rather asking these fact-based questions are the means by which the observer can try to maintain objectivity and grow an understanding of how the system is truly functioning.   The ultimate goal in these attempts at systems-thinking is for the observer to grow her capacity to be emotionally neutral…to be able to think about feelings rather than be governed by them…to learn to adapt to circumstances and define oneself as separate from, yet connected to, whatever is happening in the family or the system.

 

For me, the reward of pursuing a systems understanding of family process has been the encouragement it offers.  

The encouragement

--to stay connected, despite all the reasons not to.

--to center my attention on thoughtful appreciation of the gifts and challenges of family interaction.

--to understand that I can be responsible to my family without being responsible for them

--to discover once again what a friend recently described to me as his idea of salvation: the understanding that we cannot change our family members. 

 

To which I would add, we can only work on changing ourselves.

 

And maybe, when we find the strength and courage to change ourselves enough, we may discover the grace and redemption described by Angela Johnson, who wrote:

 

When it is a warm time
in the evening

and my people are
laughing

and warm

beside me,

it almost feels like

I can fly.

Above the city and
  everything

I know.

--And I am happy in
  the coolness

as I am in the warmth,

because I can fly as

free as I feel

and watch my people

with love

from
above.