Expecting to Love

Rev. Mark Stringer

First Unitarian Church of Des Moines

September 15 & 16, 2007

“Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get—only with what you are expecting to give—which is everything.” —Katherine Hepburn

 

Reading

During the attack on the World Trade Center six years ago this week, people were seen leaping from their windows as the towers burned.  Alice Walker wrote today’s reading about that sight.  It is entitled, “Falling Bodies”[1]

He told me

Some of them were holding hands

Leaping from

The flaming

Windows.

 

To these ones

Leaping, holding hands

Holding

Their own

I open

My arms.

 

Everything

It is

Necessary

To understand

They mastered

In the last

Rich

Moments

That they owned.

 

There is no more

To learn

In life

Than this:

How to

Love and

How not to miss

To waste

The moment

Our understanding

Of this

Is clear.

 

We are

Each other’s

Own

Near and far

Far and wide

(Even if we leap into loving

in such haste

it is certain

there will remain

nothing of us

left.)

 

Consider: The pilot

& the

Highjacker

Might

Have been

Holding

Hands.

 

Those who wish

To make

A war

Of this

Will never believe

It possible.

 

But how enlightenment

Comes

To others

We may never

Know

Or even

How

Someday

It may come

To us.

 

And

If it does not come

In this lifetime

We may be hopeful

For the next.

 

When he tells me

This story

I look

Deep

Into my beloved’s

Ear.

 

It is a finely

Curved

Surprisingly

Small

Fleshy-on-the

Lower-outside

Miracle.

 

On the inside

Hairy, growing its own

Wax

It can hear!

 

A love of bodies

Sweeps

Over me.

 

And of

Soul.

 

Sermon

Do you remember “Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey”?  It was a regular feature on Saturday Night Live in the 90s that featured satirical versions of the kind of inspirational messages you might find in greeting cards.  Here’s one of my favorite “Deep Thoughts”:

 

"As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life.  Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling?  Sometimes it seemed that way."

 

I remembered this “deep thought” a few weeks ago, when I saw something unusual for me in Iowa: a case of road rage.

 

When I witnessed the honking of horns and the nasty exchange of nasty words at the intersection of 35^th and Kingman, it caught me by surprise. Not because I had never seen such a thing before; but because I had never seen it in my neighborhood in Des Moines.  I remember thinking to myself, “Wow, things really are changing around here!”

 

You see, when I moved to Iowa six years ago, I was stunned (and embarrassed) by the realization that the people here never seemed to beep their horns at each other.   I had moved here from Chicago, and New York City before that, where horn honking is not only a form of communication.  It is a way of life. 

 

In the big city, even when you might just be honking as a courtesy--for example, when another car ahead of yours has remained motionless after the light has turned green--you do more than just tap on the horn.  You lay on it.  You take umbrage and you run with it, with your flags of self-righteousness flapping in the breeze.  In fact, anyone making nearly any mistake on the roadways can expect a barrage of beeping.  That’s just the way it is.  And the city folk even seem proud of it.

 

But here in Iowa, I quickly learned that most people were content to sit through an entire cycle of red-green-yellow-red rather than lower themselves to offering even the slightest audible beep of complaint.  Never mind what they may be thinking or saying to themselves as they patiently (or not so patiently) wait.  To beep would be uncivilized.

 

And after I involuntarily beeped at other drivers here a few times, I became a true believer in the Iowa way, myself.  To refrain from honking really was more civilized…and peaceful. I just had to learn to breathe before I beeped. Not that it is always easy. 

 

One of the tricks I have developed when I find myself frustrated behind the wheel is to imagine that the offending driver is one of my close family members or friends.  I wouldn’t lay on the horn at my grandmother.  I wouldn’t lay on the horn at my dad.  I wouldn’t lay on the horn at one of you…(at least not if I realize it is you before I feel the urge to do so).

 

Now I acknowledge that some of you may be more inclined to honk at your family members.  So perhaps to use my method, you might have to imagine someone else…someone you wouldn’t want to badger or bully with your horn.  Maybe you could even choose yourself.

 

I also know that life on the roads of Des Moines is different than life on the roads of Chicago.  Let’s face it.  Some roads are more difficult, if not dangerous, than others.  But no matter where we are, we are traveling together, in a sense, whether we know each other or not.  And because we are fellow travelers, I’d like to think that we owe each other some compassion…the same compassion we’d like to receive ourselves.  Makes for safer roadways.

 

We just need to breathe before we beep.

 

In thinking about today’s topic, which is the second in a three-part series based on the responsive reading we use to close our services each week…

Let us go from this place open to life, expecting to love, and prepared to serve.

…I’ve come to realize that this idea of “breathe before you beep” is very close to how I interpret the notion of “expecting to love.” The theology of Creative Interchange that I talk about so much from this pulpit really boils down to this expecting to love…this breathing before you beep…this choosing to practice being present to and compassionate toward others as we would want them to be present to and compassionate toward us.  I want to be clear here, though.  Creative Interchange, the notion that the Divine with a capital D is made present in our lives via those moments of interaction we share with others in which we give ourselves fully to the possibility, if not the expectation, that we will learn something from and maybe even be transformed by the encounter, is not about “expecting to like” or “expecting to enjoy” and it is certainly not about “expecting to agree.”

 

The “expecting to love” that I describe today, and that I believe is the foundation of Creative Interchange, is the expecting to fully experience the humanity of the other person, which, in the end is about experiencing our own humanity, flawed as it is.  It is about experiencing other people as we would want to be experienced.  “Expecting to love” is not about accepting abuse or tolerating violence.  But it is, I think, about being open to the possibility of redemption and forgiveness.  “Expecting to love” is not about never getting angry or frustrated or disappointed with others, or with life itself.  But it is, I think, about finding a way back…a way back to others and to life…a way back despite our anger, frustration or disappointment…finding a way back to the fact that this life, this wretched, magnificent life, is all we have and it is not ours to keep.  If we are not “expecting to love,” we are more likely to miss the love that is there…even when we are sure it isn’t.  Even then.

 

I think that our Small Group Ministry program is kind of like an “expecting to love” boot camp.  For those of you who don’t know, Small Group Ministry is a program that we initiated six years ago and it has been going strong ever since.  During each six-month session, an average of about 80 members and friends of our church meet twice a month for two hours at a time in groups of six to twelve people.  A trained facilitator is present and after everyone has a chance to “check in” for up to four minutes, uninterrupted, a topic is presented for discussion.  The topics are usually similar to the ones covered in a good church service with questions related to forgiveness, courage, views of God, enduring disappointment, and so on.  Groups share stories from their lives, learn and laugh together, and agree to do at least one project for the church or the larger community during their six months together.  I love this program and believe it has been foundational in the health and growth of our church.  Not just our growth in numbers, though.  I think it has contributed to our growth in spirit. Every year I have heard from Small Group Ministry participants who pull me aside to share the same story. “When the group first started to meet, I was concerned about having to interact with someone in my group.  I’ve just never liked that person, or found him or her to be really strange, annoying, difficult or insert your own negative adjective here.  I wasn’t sure that I could stick with it.  But,” they continue, “by the end, I actually appreciated what the person offered the group.  It wouldn’t have been the same without them.”

 

It’s that Small Group Ministry magic, you know.  The format gives us the space to experience our fellow humans with less judgment because the stakes are lower than they usually are.  The group takes responsibility for its functioning and the members get to practice being in relationship with one another…they get to practice “expecting to love.”

 

We are currently enrolling people in the next round, which will run from October through March and there are many days of the week and times from which to choose.  Visit the table in the foyer for more information.

 

I have had some further practice with expecting to love this week that I want to tell you about because, in a sense, it includes you, too.  As I shared last week, not long after I began my fifteen minutes of fame (or infamy, depending on your point of view) for officiating the historic same-sex wedding in my front yard, I received my share of e-mail condemnations for my actions.  One of the first I received was also one of the longest.

 

A woman named Carol wrote me (while copying at least five others in her family circle):

 

I hope and pray that this falls on a willing heart and an open mind.

 

Shame on you! You claim to be a minister but yet marry lesbian and homosexual couples. Do you not read and study your Bible? I would hope as a minister that you do. In case you don't let me enlighten you as to what God's Word has to say about Homosexuality…

 

She then listed off some of the various Bible verses that have been interpreted as condemning homosexuals, after which she offered some instruction as to how I am “giving religion a bad name” by not discouraging the “lifestyle of Satan.”  She then closed with her home e-mail, where she can be reached and a cheery “Thank you for your time.”

 

After she didn’t hear from me for a few days, she wrote back to tell me that she was interested in hearing my response.

 

So, I felt compelled to write the following, which I also copied to her family:

 

I did not initially respond to your letter because it seemed by the forceful nature of your e-mail you weren't really interested in dialogue with me. (i.e. "Shame on you!")

 

A few thoughts in response, since it seems you do in fact want to hear from me.

 

I am not a Christian; therefore, I am not beholden to the precepts of your religious faith.  Perhaps that is difficult for you to understand.  I empathize with your struggle to comprehend how others might not see things the way you do.  I've certainly had that experience!

 

I have many Christian colleagues who do not share your interpretation of the Bible, but I do not feel as though I should be debating scripture with you.  After all, who am I to judge your faith? I leave that to your fellow Christians.

 

The issue of same-sex marriage would not be the hot topic it is right now if the government would get out of the marriage business all together.  In my humble opinion, the only institutions that should be marrying people are the churches, mosques and synagogues.  Your church can marry who it wants, just as the church I serve can.   Freedom of religion is a foundational element of our nation, after all.  The marriage I share with my wife, and the marriage you share with your husband should be civil unions (and only civil unions) in the eyes of the state.  That's the only fair way to deal with these differences of opinion...differences that are about religion, and that are, therefore, not to be debated by the government.

 

Peace to you and yours,

 

Mark

 

I’m mostly proud of that response, especially when I consider some of the jabs that I had in it that I had the good sense to remove.   Still, if I’m being honest, I can see where I was a little more smart-alecky than I needed to be.  For example, when I tell her I am leaving the judgment of her faith to her fellow Christians.

I beeped there before I breathed. 

 

Carol wrote back.

 

Thanks for responding. I still don't understand why you would do something that the Bible teaches against and yet you call yourself a minister. I'm in no way trying to make you see my point only God's point. Why do you say you are not a Christian? How can one  misinterpret the scriptures that are written so plainly? Why would you not "debate" scripture with me? Although I feel it would be having a Bible study versus a debate. I won't argue with anyone about what the Bible teaches. I can only teach what it says and let that person study for him/her self . Plant the seed and God will give the increase! I'm stating what the Bible has to say on the subject of Homosexuality and Sodomy. I'm by no means judging you because then I'd be no better off than one that teaches against God's Word. If I came across as being judgmental then please accept my apology.

 

Can you see here, how she is trying to breathe before she beeps…

She continued:

 

I have a tendency to be very outspoken. I want to share the truth with everyone. I guess I went about my curiosity in the wrong way. I'm just curious as all get out why a man of The Word would teach something that is so contrary to God's Word.

 

She so clearly did not understand where I was coming from, that I decided the most efficient thing to do would be to send her to the UUA website and our church website. 

 

About twenty minutes later she wrote back:

 

OK. So aren't you contradicting yourself??? This paragraph...Unitarian Universalists search for truth along many paths.  Instead of centering our religion on specific beliefs, we gather around shared moral values that include the inherent worth and dignity of every person. Where are the moral values in homosexuality and sodomy???

 

Again, I wanted to be sure that I answered her honestly but without being defensive and without getting personal.  I wrote back:

 

I believe moral values are determined via a thoughtful consideration of reality...the way life really is and the way people really live.

 

I gather that you believe moral values are determined via an interpretation of a religious text,  one that clearly provides you with great meaning and purpose.

 

We will probably never see eye-to-eye on this.

 

That's OK.  I love this country, where we can disagree and still co-exist, with equal rights and protections under the law.

 

Best wishes in your continued pursuit of the truth.

 

Unitarian Universalism respects the right of everyone to a "free and responsible search for truth and meaning."

 

I thought that was a genuinely kind, though direct and honest, response, but despite my best intentions, Carol still thought it sounded like a honk.  She wrote back:

 

Thank your for your "best wishes in your continued pursuit of the truth". I've already found the truth through Jesus Christ and God our Heavenly Father through His Word, The Bible.

 

I wanted her to have the last word, because I sensed she needed it.  As I looked over our exchange it was easy to see why these conversations can be so difficult and how imperative it is that any of us, when we find ourselves in the middle of challenging attempts at religion-influenced dialogues, do our best to take the high road, to keep things as far away from emotionality as we possibly can, to try to breathe before we beep.  If I had used a critique of her religion as the basis of my responses, I believe I would have eliminated any chance at anything between us other than an argument and I would have taken away the opportunity to try to model for her a foundational element of my Unitarian Universalist conviction of affirming a free and responsible search for truth and meaning…not just for me…not just for you…but for everyone…even those with whom I disagree.  Especially them.

 

I thought that was the end of the exchanges, but the next day, one of the family members named Haley jumped in.  She asked about my beliefs and I forwarded the e-mail exchange I’d had with Carol and suggested that she also check out the websites. 

 

She quickly responded:

 

You never came right out and answered my questions so I'm assuming you don't believe in either the Bible or God?  Which is the obvious reason we could never see eye to eye.  I will be praying for you and all the people you have an influence on that you will read and believe the Bible because it is given to us as a guideline to live by written by men who were inspired by God.  If you don't believe it or God where do you expect to be when this life and world are gone? 

 

She concluded by thanking me in advance for my response, which a sent a few minutes later.

 

I wrote:

 

Throughout time, men (and women) have had different ideas about the divine.  You can no more prove that your idea of God is correct than anyone else can prove theirs.  

 

The least helpful discussion is one in which we try to prove who is right theologically.

 

I appreciate your prayers, as I gather that prayer plays an important role in your life.

 

I will trust that you will remain open to those who see things differently than you do, which is all I ask of the people I serve.

 

It is only through being open to the perspectives of others who share our planet that we will ever be able to live in harmony.

 

A worthwhile goal, don't you think?

 

Peace,

 

Mark

 

I didn’t hear from her again.  At least not yet. 

Maybe she felt like I needed the last word.

 

And maybe I did. 

 

I’m working on that. 

 

It’s not easy. 

 

But it is the kind of work our world so desperately needs right now. 

 

On our shared journey of life, we’ve had enough road rage, don’t you think?